Nah, just kidding. This season wasn’t THAT bad, was it? Actually, in all honesty it does have to go down as a major disappointment. As I sit here, typing away, trying desperately to form some cohesive plan of how this review should go, I can only wonder what might have been.

The summer brought the usual influx of fresh-faced ne’er-do-wells to The City Stadium. I’m sorry, but what was the feking point in that name change? Does ANYONE actually say ‘The City Stadium’? No, it’s a load of bolllocks. That said, I recently caught wind of something that tickled my fancy down South. Manchester City want to name an end of their stadium after a legend, apparently a load of Man U fans have been voting for Colin Bell. Why is that funny? Can you imagine the grand opening of the Bell End?

Getting back to the point, fresh faces, yadda-yadda. Unfortunately, David Fernandez and Didier Santini left the ‘Vale, moving onto Celtic’s Under 21’s and beach football respectively. Neither would be adequately replaced. I know Stevie Tosh left also, but I don’t like him.

As I sit munching a ripe and delicious banana, probably plucked from some magnificent crop, by Tito (SEE ABOVE), the Hypothetical Guatemalan Orphan Boy, who was paid only in a sound thrashing for his hard days efforts, I ponder the Sergio Berti fiasco. Much has been said about it, so I’ll say nothing.

If there is one thing that should generally be avoided in End-of-Year Reviews, its providing judgements on players, especially when said players are likely to get wind of these judgements, and not be very happy. With that in mind, here follows a review of every (current) player’s year.

Alan Main has been solid since his mid-season arrival at the ‘vale. His shot-stopping is excellent, his command of the defence decent, and his knowledge of swear-words would put John F!*king Lambie to shame. Question marks remain about his handling of crosses (not an issue when Marvin was playing) and the fact that hero-worship, as seen at the Dundee Utd game, tends to make his kicking even more pess-poor than usual. 8/10

Phillipe Brinquin has had a very disappointing season. The previously excellent Frenchman has had the same number of good performances as he has hairs on his bonce. Buggger all. Defensively he has looked slow, and going forward he seems to prefer crossing from between middle of the opposition half, rather than getting to the bye line, which I remember him doing only once. 4/10

Gustave Bahoken. Well, if we’re giving points for effort Gus would rake ‘em in, sadly you couldn’t hide Gus’ lack of ability if you pitched him inside a large green tent. His concentration has been lacking, he is prone to panicking and he has been woeful for the last six months. 2/10 (9/10 for the Celtic game though)

Marvin Andrews has had a great season, showing his usual dominance in the air, great character, huge improvement in his ball-playing skills, and above all, he’s personified the one thing that nobody else has shown much, PASSION! This guy hurts when we’re losing, and on one occasion grabbed the Livi team by the balls and got the shower of under-achieving b*stards three points by force of will alone. Even if he doesn’t stay, I’d consider him a Livi legend already. Top Man. 11/10

Oscar Rubio is a player we know has talent. Deasel don’t vote for no mugs for Player of the Year. But his early season form was abysmal at best. Things seemed to improve for him after the New Year, until a disagreement with Gus Bahokens patented Flying Headbutt of Sheiteyness Manoeuvre ended his season. It goes down as a regression for Rubio, of whom better is expected. 2/10 before Chrimbo, 6/10 after.

Julian Maidana was the ‘biggest’ of our Christmas signings, and the first of the four Argentines to make an impact. A very fluid player, Julian played well, if unspectacularly following the break, until he had a couple of nightmares when surrounded by makeshift defenders in the last few games. Bit of a question mark over his missus, but keep an eye on it, cos she’ll be off down the bloody street wi’out paying for it!

Up until January, Lee Makel was a strong runner for Player of The Year, and challenging a certain other player for Git of The Year. While Livi were really struggling before Christmas, Lee played as well as anyone has seen him do, making up in graft for what he lacks in speed and creativity. Sadly, he fell away after Christmas, and now looks set to leave.(edit – has since signed a new deal) Overall though he merits well. 7/10

Stuart Lovell has had a very poor season. The popular skipper of Livi looks a shadow of the player he was in the first 6 months he was here. Injuries seem to have hampered his mobility, and although his leadership skills cannot be disputed, he has been very poor in too many games. A real shame, for his reading of the game is excellent. I hope that, with a good rest and a strong pre-season, he will recover, as it would be a real shame if he fell out of things. 4/10

Francisco Quino, whilst not as patchy in form as fellow strugglers Rubio and Phillipe, seems to be the appointed scapegoat for defeats. The one player whom management would drop when the going got tough. Admittedly Quino’s form hasn’t lived up to what we know he is capable of, but there has been the usual flashes of skill, along with crisp passing and Hard F!kc*ng Graft, which some of these cu*ts seem alien to, but walk into the bloody team. Don’t believe me when I say Quino hasn’t been as good? Look how many he got this season. Then look at last season. Then f*ck off. 5/10

Burton O’Brien is being hailed by some as The Second Coming, should Captain Scotland yadda-yadda. On the back of what exactly? Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s a good player, but he has gaping flaws in his game. He cant pass a f!kc*ng ball. His tackling and running are the strongest aspects of his game, and he gets himself into good positions, then pus*ies out of having a pop. His one goal (a cracker) came when it was shoot on sight time. Promising start but could do better. 6/10

Barry Wilson can do no wrong in the eyes of some fans. I was a big fan of Bazza last season, when he played football for Livi. This season, he has rolled about on the floor, looking for fouls and bookings for opponents. If it were anyone else they’d be told to f*ck right off, but Bazza gets away with it, cos he’s “a lad”. Wilson is capable at this level, and playing whilst injured cant have helped, but needs to stop sulking. The Graz game showed what he can do when he can be @r$ed. 3/10 (He seems to be having more luck off the field - Dov)

David Bingham would be the first to admit he hasn’t had a great season. However, I’m sure there is at least one Killie full back still remembering the early season roasting he got from our Bingey. The moments of genius have been sparse, but still Bingey provided a few memorable times, with one goal at Christmas time a particular joy. One of only a handful of creative players we have, and as good a technique as any Scottish player I’ve seen (ask Sturm Graz), it’s a real shame Bingham cant be put to good use playing on for one more season, whilst coaching our kids. Over the season. Immeasurable respect to the man for all the great moments he has given us over the years. (As a personal appeal, I would be happy to buy several pints for anyone with a video of THAT goal against Ayr, who would lend me it)

Juanjo Camacho was the first of our summer signings to face the fans wrath, when he was spotted being overtaken by a week-old sloth with a headache. Since then he has had a mixed career at Livi. His first few months were poor; he picked up in December and then fell right out of reckoning before returning towards the end of the season, looking far stronger. Has great passing ability and technique, but question marks remain over other aspects of his game, including his obscene throw-in action, I find it hard enough to pull, without Juanjo causing women to faint every time he lobs his balls forward. 3/10 until March 8/10 from then on.

Davide Xausa has been exactly the same as ever this season, a frustrating mix of skill and physical inability, combined with a gift for picking the wrong ball to play. Enjoyed bullying younger defences, but didn’t put the ball in the pokey very often. Inconsistencies resulted in his chopping and changing. Needs to deliver more often, but definitely has the potential to do so. 4.5/10

Roly Zarate got 10 goals, according to his fans. The rest of us realised that this man could not give a flying f*uc for anything Livi-related except his wages. I wore 3-D glasses to one game, and he still didn’t look like he was moving. Obviously has talent, but is slothful, and will be no great loss. -3.75/10 :P

Which brings us to Cherif. Had a (very) brief spell where he looked like delivering, but he hasn’t. His work rate makes Roly look like Roy Keane, and he seems to have no respect for his teammates. Hopefully our new samba coach can get something out of him, but I have the feeling that it is Cherif who is to blame for his wasted potential, and not the coaching staff. 0/10

Youngster-wise, Colin McMenamin got a couple of goals and showed that some basic acts (like standing up) are still beyond him. Shows a lot fo pacy striker style promise, and is definitely one to watch. Richard Brittain was very impressive in the Under 21s but had little time to impress for the first team, hopefully he will get his chance this year, as he shows real potential. David McNamee, when not being injured, has looked like an excellent and adventurous right-back.

Since I started writing this article there has been a change in the coaching staff at Almondvale. Maximo is the new coach, and hopefully his record for youth development will indicate a changing trend at The Vale. New faces are required, as well as a clearing out of some of the dead wood. A new striker, left back and some creativity in the midfield would not go amiss.