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Well folks, here we go with another inaccurate, spiteful, Monthly Review. Last month’s review didn’t go down very well at all with the masses. It was nearly three weeks late, and it wasn’t very good. I’m afraid it’s very much more of the same this month. I’d like to say a nice “Hello” to Tam1314 however, who is clearly my biggest fan. Due to the public backlash, sponsorship for this review was not really forthcoming, and as such, with unpopularity being the theme, this review is brought to you in association with the banjo-playing hillbilly out of Deliverance. Or Barry Ferguson, if you want to use his real name…
How did March start off? Well it started with the first of March, you idiots. However from a Livi perspective, it started on the 2nd of March, when the great unwashed hordes leapt deftly down from their trees, congregated in small groups, sniffing one another and grunting monosyllabically as they congregated in Almondvale. Yes, Rangers were visiting town, in a game which, you would have imagined from what they were singing, was to determine the Northern Irish political situation once and for all.
Yes, the fragrant hordes of the bigot brothers had arrived. The game itself was a forgetful affair, however Livi managed to play well and lose. Again. Positives were gleaned form the impressive form and general wacky antics of Alan Main (holding the ball? Stopping shots? Averting danger? What is the man THINKING?) and the lung-bursting box-to-box performance of Burton O’Brien, who many thought was the best man on the park. Barry Ferguson, fresh from his banjo-strumming, was outclassed by young Bobo, in a sign of things to come for the month ahead. Eugene Dadi’s goal was the bright spot of the afternoon.
But let us talk of penalties. Yes, according to some Livi fans, Zarate is deadly, a silent assassin, the most lethal finisher since Mark David Chapman. My opinions on this waste of talent are well documented, and will be documented yet again later on. Take a guess right now if you think Roly will be a Hero or Villain this month…
A midweek jaunt up to Dundee was next. The game finished goalless, and in a remarkable case of deja-vu, the two outstanding players on the park (barring Caballero) were Alan Main and Burton O’Brien. Main again showed that he could very well be the best keeper in Scotland, and O’Brien showed great stamina and ability.
Hearts visited us next, and brought their own Rangers cast-off fans with them. Another forgetful game, Oscar Rubio came off the bench to rescue a point for us, that’s right despite renowned goal-scorer and Best Player In The Universe Roly Zarate playing for Livi, it was down to one of the defenders to haul our ass out the fire.
A return to Dundee followed, to play Dundee United. A drab boring game was livened up only in the last few minutes when man-mountain Marvin Andrews charged forward, from his won half, played a one-two with the lively Juanjo Camacho and out-paced and out-muscled the Dundee United defender to prod the ball past Gallacher. I haven’t gone that ballistic over a goal since Lovell’s against Rangers last year. It was simply sensational, and added a touch of class to what had been a forgettable day.
On the plus side for Livi, the “blah-blah play youth brigade” were sated by the first start of Colin McWossname, who would need to add a degree of composure to his game to merit being compared to a headless chicken. Nevertheless, he and Xausa did okay together. Camacho had a lively ten minutes at the end, which is kinda the problem with him. Fits and starts, and no real consistency. I still like him though. The back three of Rubio, Marv and Maidana were excellent.
The most noticeable header of the month apparently occurred in training, when Gus Bahoken, irked at the emergence of a strong back three unit, decided to relocate Oscar Rubio’s jaw into a different postal district from the rest of his face, in a training accident. Sh*t.
It’s now April, and lets look at the sides we have beaten this season. Motherwell. Dundee United. Partick. That’s it. We’re stuck in a gap between those sides, and the other sides who are clearly better than us.
Hero
Big Marv – Consistent throughout, his goal at Tannadice was a very special moment. Definite contender for Player of The year, and may well get flogged to Celtic on the cheap if he keeps playing well, eh Dom?
Alan Main – This chap has real class about him. The management have made an excellent purchase here. Isn’t it great not having Dave in goals?
Villains
Roly Zarate – He’s still dreadful. Cue his fans “blah blah nine goals cakes” 2 against Rangers. We lose. 1 against hearts. We lose. 1 against Graz. We lose. 1 against Celtic. We lose. This man is a jinx. He also missed a rather important penalty. And I would again point out that his standard of play, and his amount of effort simply is not good enough.
Gus Bahoken – I actually quite like Gus, but he’s really not cutting the mustard. Defensively he’s woeful, and for a left-sided player, is surprisingly right-footed. Hopefully he can improve his concentration, because he seems to be going to sleep an awful lot. He cost us that goal against hearts, no doubt about it.
Well that’s it for another Month. Hopefully things will improve in my creative areas (not a sexxxual reference I hasten to add) during April, so the Review will improve, but I’m afraid you’re stuck with this drivel until then.
As usual, slag me at livispike@hotmail.com or on the boards. And remember Cherif IS worth £4 million. Which means Hack must be worth roughly £3.9million…the mind boggles…