Spikes February 2004 Review

Last updated : 30 July 2004 By Dov
Monthly Review www.livifanzine.com |
hughgrant1

He's Back - Spike's Monthly Review – Feb 2004



Well folks, due to unpopular demand, I’m back on the Monthly Review. Interesting to note that, despite everyone saying they could do a much better job, none of you actually bothered to do so.
So it came to pass that in a clandestine meeting Dov and I hammered out the terms of my return.

But what of my crack-team of experts? Dov is, of course still there as my editor. After a failed attempt at a sit-com, and a few months lifestyle of champagne receptions and dodgy Leith hookers, Tito the Hypothetical Guatemalan Orphan boy has come crawling back to provide me with foodstuffs to sustain myself whilst I write, peruse and ponder. As usual, he can expect only a savage beating for his efforts. That’s work ethic, Cherif ya pr*ck.

Because of the bumper re-launching of the Monthly Review, Dov has really pushed the boat out to get a sponsor for this month. Ladies control yourselves, it’s only Hugh Grant! Well blow me! Erm…sorry Hugh, didn’t mean it like that, come back! No, that’s not an autographed poster of Divine Brown, that’s Guy Ipoua! Damn, he’s gone.

So what have the merry little band of players and officials been up to down at Livingston, during the month of February?

The administration thing has been covered to death everywhere else (I’d recommend Board Talk as a good place to look) so the semi-final with Dundee is the starting point. Well, it were cr@p, until it were good, see? Lilley clearly has a Sack that is Spike-esque in stature, such was the te$ticles he displayed in smashing home that penalty. Credit to Pasquinelli for his convincing fall.

Spartans were up next, and, despite a few fraught moments were dispatched 4-0 by a Lilley inspired Livi. Very entertaining day, good banter, good football, excellent “eeyore” moment from Dorado. Lilley scored a hat-trick, and showed remarkable speed for a man with such a huge set of balls. You’d think they would impede his running, but not our Del. Seriously man, call me.

Partick. What can one say about that performance. Nothing? Okay.

Next up was a display of ball control not seen since last time Dov and I settled down to watch Nuns in Batter. Dazzling dribbles and stunning penetration were the order of the day, and then we switched the video off to watch Livi play ‘Well, where some of the same was on order. Jamie Mac cracked one off over the keeper from 25 yards, Derek Lilley dragged his Pumpkin-esque balls onto a neat pass from Fernandez and pumped one into the bag, and Fernandez himself completed the scoring. Thankfully, just in case it was all a dream, JP came on and showed us that he’s pants. Or showed us his pants, I cant remember.

Sadly, we were then whisked off to Dens Park for the second helping of our bi-annual humpings from Dundee. Milne scored the only goal in a game where Livi managed a world record 34872 consecutive sideways-or-backwards passes. Sadly, not even Derek Lilley’s mammoth nutsack would have stopped Milne’s goal.

Later that week came a hugely entertaining game with Hearts. Before the game, Derek Lilley looked like he meant business as I saw him unloading his balls from a pick-up truck, and he mixed it up well. Makel scored a fine free kick, Deasel’s lovechild also scored (and started!) but it was not to be, as a couple of uncharacteristic errors from Roddy meant Hearts picked up all three points.

A savage humping was up next, but Paul Dickov has nothing to do with Livi other than his maw living here, so lets move on to the game at Parkhead. I wasn’t there, so all I saw was Lovell’s great o.g attempt. What looked a like a man with his testicles in a wheelbarrow shooting past Douglas, and five jammy Celtic breakaways. Ah well, c’est la vie.

So what can we say about Livi ahead of the P.I.$.$ Cup final? Well, we’re a tidy little outfit. We can hold our own against the likes of Hearts, Dundee and ‘Well, and are pretty strong defensively. Goals seem to be the sole property of Makel and Derek “That’s some setta balls, man” Lilley. Could be the opportunity for Fernandez to strut his stuff. Let us hope so. Not that I care.

Winners


Derek Lilley, surprisingly enough, has caught my eye this month. The gargantuanly-scrotumed-one has provided goals and graft in abundance. A couple on March 14th (goals not plums) would do nicely. Derek, I salute you.

Stuart Lovell has been a great ambassador for the club in recent times, both on and off the pitch. Always keen to shout some orders and kick some arses, he will be a key figure as the season pumps and shudders to a climax.

Losers

JP Not-fit-to-Govern is utter c@ck on a c@ck stick made of the leftover cack of Lee “C@ck” Richardson. But he isn’t the loser this month, no, it’s Cherif Toure Maman (for old times sake) and Guy Ipoua.

The only time Cherif was guaranteed a mention anywhere around Livingston was when I prepared to do a Monthly Review, and I fancy he must hold the record for mentions in the Losers Section. He won’t be missed, and neither will fatty. I offer a one-fingered salute to them both.


Well, that’s it for this month, it takes time to ease back in, according to Elton, so don’t judge me just on this one effort. The usual hate mail, criticism and proposals of marriage can be sent to livispike@hotmail.com

As Gareth Gates would say “Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!”