Spikes January 2003 review

Last updated : 30 July 2004 By Dov
Welcome to a somewhat late Monthly Review, brought to you this month by Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness, also known as David Dickinson. “Cheap as chips!” said David yesterday, having bought the Livi first team for £25. Oh, I’m in a cutting mood tonight.

But down to business as it were, let us move down the fair neck of action, past the pert bre@sts and rosy nipples of transfer ins and outs, and get right down to the neatly trimmed f@nny that is Dominic Keane. Keano isn’t happy about the transfer rules. Boo. Hoo. Let me wipe away the tears. Okay, finished. I have nothing against Dominic Keane, except the fact he’s an utter c*nt. Putting the rights and wrongs of the Michael Hart issue aside, is anyone, in ANY doubt that Keane would have done exactly the same thing there was a player he wanted? Didn’t think so. Quit whining in the papers and sort your team of no-hopers out pronto Keano, or I’ll be visiting your office. With a stick.

Let’s talk action. January saw only three games for the Livi players, as the winter break allowed them to spend all their time f@nnying about. Insert your own “no change there” cheapshot HERE.

Dunfermline away. Seems like four weeks ago. And that’s because it is. A truly d!re display all around. Bingham was woeful, Marv was less than good and the rest with a couple of exceptions were also guff. This also marked the end of Javier Sanchez Broto’s playing career, and Dave McEwan proved a more than able deputy, gifting Stevie Crawford a second goal. Positives came in the continued good form of Lee Makel, and the surprisingly entertaining shift from Camacho as a makeshift right wing-back during the first half. Makel provided the only grit on the day, and (aside from McEwan) Camacho created the only good chance for an attacker. He played a lovely through ball to Zarate on the edge of the six yard box, the ball landing perfectly for a left foot effort on goal. Uh-Oh. Left foot? Yup, I can see the slight flaw. Zarate hummed and hawed before firing a left foot effort off his own right leg and out for a goal kick. Buggar.

Some few weeks later we welcomed Dunfermline to Almondvale, and they spent the first half doing a frighteningly realistic “Livi” impersonation. They couldn’t find each other with a single pass. Livi duly capitalised by opening up a momentous one-jammy-deflected-goal lead. Almost any other team would have humped Dunfermline rotten, but Livingston also did a damn good “Livi” impersonation, and Dave McEwan showed that, while he may look like a right useful b*ssard in a fight, most of his punches connect with thin air. This duly provided Crawford with a chance to score, which he took. Dave had kept Dunfermline in the Cup. Thankfully he redeemed himself with a wonder save to deny Crawford late on, and actually keep the team he plays for in the Cup. With him giving out all these freebies, I sincerely hope that Alan “7-0” Main plays against Rangers. Just to keep the scoreline out of double figures.

Finally, the visit to Firhill on a chilly Tuesday night. Goals from Marv’s head, Zarate’s right foot (shock horror) and Mcmenamin’s lovely lob gave us three welcome points. Good performances on the night from O’Brien, Bingham, Marv, Gus (incredibly) and a second half display of crisp passing from Amor provided good entertainment. Phillipe also gave me a good laugh by giving McEwan a good bollocking. Dave, the wall is to block the strikers effort at a free kick, not your line of sight. Silly bass.

Transfer activity was the talk of the tits this month, with Livi buying every player in Argentina, and selling everyone who was actually worth anything. Bollan was my third choice in the Player of The Year stakes, and I’m backing him to win First Division Player of The Year next year. Hart showed his deep love for Livi by feking off back to Aberdeen at the first opportunity, and Broto signed a contract for Celtic, although reports say that when he was handed the contract, he weakly punched it away the first few times.

Livi’s big signing was Amor, the former Barcelona legend. The jury is out on the lad, as he needs to regain fitness. I also remember that basile Boli won the European Cup, so forgive me for being slightly cynical. Alan Main signed, as did some youngsters, a French left-back and two Argentinians. Next month I’ll give you my opinion on them all.

Let’s move on to looking at the months Winners and Losers.


Lee Makel has been Mr Consistent. Again. It’s actually quite boring telling you all month after month how good he is. But he has been good. Consistently so, in fact. And I’m not the only one who has noticed. Dundee United have too.

Burton O’Brien didn’t play much this month, but when he did he was far better than the other players we have. I hope he keeps it up, as midfield is where we are sorely lacking. Both our winners this month are midfielders, proving my point, in an ironic fashion, hopefully.


Oscar Rubio has been far from impressive following his return to the team. His distribution is absolutely woeful. Must improve soon.

Roly Zarate. Everyone says this man is at his best in the penalty box. I have to agree as he is completely f*c*ing useless anywhere else on the park. It’s got to the point that I wince with pain every time he gets the ball on one of the wings, as he is prone to do. He always, always, always, f!c*ing basssard diet coke sucking ALWAYS goes on his right. And people go “but he gets no service!” That’s cos he gave the fu**ing ball away before someone could receive a lay-off and play the return killer ball. F**k off Roly. Please. Yes you’re the top scorer, but you could have had a hundred. Please, f**k off.

Well, that’s all the effort I can muster today. Join me again next month where we will discuss the February fixtures…gee, I wonder which 4-0 stuffing will receive much attention. Rest assured that no matter what they do in the rest of the month, Roly, Gus and Davide will get a good roasting for their parts in the debacle.

All the usual hate mail, proposals of marriage etc. can be sent to livispike@hotmail.com so far only one person has ever e-mailed me about this, so I know I have one reader. If any of you think I have been too harsh on our players, please let me know, as you know how much your opinion matters. F**k all. Do us a favour and shove your complaints up you’re a*se. It’ll save time. Believe me.

And remember, one in the a*se is worth two in the bush. At least that’s what Dale Winton told me. I’m off to listen to the Kids Are Allright by The Who. Allright for what exactly, Pete?