Happenin' fellows?
This exclusive edition of BoardTalk comes to you from my sickbed, and while I was in the hospital this week the doctors asked if I had been exposed to high doses of anything dangerous, and no sooner had I said that I had to trawl through the posts on
this board than I was whisked off to a mental institution, neighbour to Spike on one side who was in a straightjacket and trying to spit on DBM banners which were dangled in front of him, and Theo on the other who had been there for 3 weeks after being given the letters R-O-W-K and T-E-C-H-I and told to form a well known phrase.
So with me about as healthy as Manu Dorado's no claim bonus on his BUPA health plan, I shall proceed...
So just when we were all beginning to lose any hope that we may have had, good fortune had it that we should happen upon Paterson et al who must have had a particularly heavy night in the lock-in at Dale's Farm given the sheep-shaggingly
splendiferous 3-0 scoreline. And so many had high hopes for our visit from Fife's filthiest...
Deasel set the tone:
"The last thing I want to see on Saturday is Leishman smiling. I'd love to see him squirm back to Fife with his tail tucked
firmly between his legs. A victory over them will easily keep me happy for the fortnight before we have another game."
Some agreed, as Darwin continued:
"But Deasel, surely his heart will be torn between his two great loves? You know, the one he helped take from Div 3 to SPL, and the one he bolted for without a second thought when the chance presented itself.
Indeed, let Leish lick his wounds in Fife!"
Others didn't care at all, with Bill the Bass saying:
"Leish was delighted when he got victories at East End Park, Dunfermline are his employers now and of course he will be
delighted if they win.
We should disassocaite ourselves from this and concentrate on getting behind the team and making a lot of noise on Saturday. Us in the DBM will certainly be, even when Deasel is on his pie and bovvy break."(That'll be from 3 till 4:45 then? No?)
Whereas our resident wordsmith Hack had other things on his mind:
"Jims gone, Jims away
Let's Not Get Worried...
I think he's gay..."
Profound as ever...
So in Hack's new found nous with the written word, here's a saying for him. 'One swallow doesn't make a summer.' Although admittedly I’m not sure whether that has more use for his poetry or his views on homosexuality. Anyway, my point is that
our win against northerners still picking wool from their Y-fronts had our ever-optimistic support more excited than Tommy English at a Pat Sharpe tribute evening, and all were predicting wins.
And just like a Livi steward stamping on a 10 year-old Killie fan's inflatable football, the optimism was deflated with a drab zip-zip scoreline, to which I will devote all the time it deserves, the square root of bugger all.
Much more interesting was the off pitch action, as MCL boomed:
"Hooligans!"
and Plug offered the explanation: (with Kenny Everet sitting 2 seats away from him)
"Sometimes you get the feeling that is it worth it?
I can gaurantee that when the Old Firm visit Almondvale that they will be allowed to stand, swear, drink, sing sectarian songs and in general have the run of the place (as usual).
Meanwhile the very polite and compliant Livi fans will be watched over by eager stewards, police officers and people with binoculars who will not tolerate anyone placing a foot on one of the many empty seats or even daring to stand up for a bit."
Too true, too many killjoys these days. How I long for the days when the ball would get punted up on the grassy hill, at which point a couple of the freeloaders on the hills would nick the ball and play piggy in the middle with the, erm, pig.
Mutha funkin class.
Next on the agenda, and along similar lines, StevenC was keen to have some choice words with Alasdair 'You got a plastic cup for that son?' Hood:
"A spokesman for the DWOFA (Dangerous weapons of football association) said straight aftern todays game, "Despite the Presence within Hamden park itself of flags on garden canes and a fruit shaped bag of air, we can confirm that indeed no fatal, serious, minor or That'll take yer aye oot injuries occured before, during or after the Match"
Camelion added:
"Mr. Hood should remember that it we, the loyal fans, pay his wages, when he spouts predictions of doom and destruction."
And surely BlackLion's bum was getting sore from all this sitting on the fence:
"Lessons SHOULD be learned.......Mr Hood, your bullshit took a hell of a beating, can you hear me Mr Hood, Mr you cannae be trusted to support your team in a peaceful fun loving manner, Mr your nothing but a bunch of thugs, Mr all hell will break loose unless we shackle you? Can you hear me? Your policy took a hell of a beating.........
Awa an bile yer heid"
And I agree.
These instruments of terror pose about as much threat to us as Theo Whitmore does to the starting line up. Indeed Alasdair,the only injury our stuff is likely to cause is if we all get a garden cane and shove it up you’re a*s.
While Im sure there must have been countless occasions where Plug has wanted to jump on Deasel's back, tuck his pointy garden cane under his arm and attack the opposition fans 'old-style joust' fashion, I think we're prepared to cope with the
odd little blister in the name of having some fun at a football game. I mean, we've had plenty of time to learn to cope with little pri*ks by now. Kapeesh?
This effort was penned on a powerful cocktail of Anadin Extra and mint Vienetta, which was probably why it was so pess-poor, and I would sign off by saying that I hope I've made your day, but I can see Timmy butting in with his 'I'm quite prepared to let you make my 'hole weak" line, so I think I'll give it a miss.
I will get the next edition in on time, else Dov will break my legs, and I will return in greater length, not least because the Viagra will have kicked in by then.
Till next time Insomniacs, I bid you good day.
EdinburghLion