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Thursday, 20th November 2003
Chrrist, you lot can’t half prattle on. An hour a fortnight my erse, Dov. Since this was last done, we’ve had a whole lot of cr@p happen – Rangers game, Dundee United game, Hearts game, Partick game, We hate Davie Hay, Maximo Forced Out, Stoke City want Marv, Scotland-v-Holland, Scotland-v-England ad nausem, egg-chasing arguments, ugly player debates, Rangers rip off Dundee, Rangers have more of a club shop presence in Livi than Livi, Livi fans on sportscene and HAcK found Nemo. That last one is presumably some kind of code for “a penetrative event”. And that list is by no means exhaustive (nor will all of it be covered).
I can absolutely, categorically, assure anybody who reads all of this that there is no cash reward at the end of it. If you do find my leprechaun, however, fax him to Dov (don’t worry if it makes crunching noises when you jam the fatter bits in the feeder).
Furthermore, it will never be as long as this again (oo-er missus). I’m assuredly a once a fortnight man, so things will remain firmly in control. That said, I have allowed myself the luxury of a debut splurge, so be warned.
But first up, a few new characters to welcome to the boards. It’s well seeing that the new Matrix film is making ripples, with both The Architect and MeroVingian springing up, although they may be suffering some kind of identity crisis as they seem to be the same person. Welcome also to Nemesis, who lists hobbies such as “watchin porrn with a J”. And having Sunday lunch with his Gran, presumably. Or maybe watching porrn and smoking a J with his Gran. Or maybe watching his Gran in porrn…anyway…further, but probably temporary welcomes to the others who’ve signed up, with a particular nod towards the Theodore Whitmore fans. Any clues as to when he’s likely to start showing us his class, as opposed to just his asss?
And so, faster than Spike can friction-ignite Martina’s furry love-muffin, it’s down to business…
Going waaaay back, an early dig at my predecessor’s Great Blue Unwashed prediction (Home game, 25th October 2003).
“Personally, I can see it being a typical Saturday. The smell of buckie will drift in from the away end and intoxicate the Livi team, only Rubio managing to play his own game by dragging Michael Mols [he has such an ugly wife, I mean, have you seen her?] into the box and kicking the living pi$$ out of him for being Dutch. We'll play well, we'll get beat, OL will get humped by the opposition, and might even get beaten by them as well.”
Hah! OL may well have received some kind of pork sword (who’s to tell), but the Lions won 0-0. Well, it’s a moral victory. Kind of like Scotland’s 1-1 win over Germany in June.
StevenC sums up what many feel is the difference between this season and last, and also hits a particularly frustrating nail on the head.
“I thought the workrate throughout the team was outstanding today.
It was not a bad performance by Rangers, their finishing was cr@p, fair enough, but I think we STOPPED them from playing more than they slipped up.”
Unless you’re every Glaswegian press writer’s (currently) favourite second team, Motherwell, any result against The Great Unwashed is invariably reported as a slip-up by them, not a fine performance by their opponents.
Other signs of near-hysteria at our season-so-far-progress (pre H-E-A, R-T-S, if you cannae spell it then here’s wit it sez – presumably helpfully assisting Des Leksic) included;
The ever-excitable LLD: “It speaks volumes for the performance of the team that I am disappointed that we only took a point.”
Bil the Bass: “The only complaint I have today is that we didn’t win.” What, you’re not telling me that your pie was adequately heated, are you?
Spicy: “Very good performance, finally looks like we have the defence reasonably sorted.”
Wulsonforlivi: “I was disappointed we didn't win - Rangers were there for the taking today, but maybe that's just being greedy [like Bil the Bass’ alleged pie-mouth interface]
If we can keep this momentum going for the cup game and next week at Tynecastle, it would do great things for our season ahead!!”. Oh oh, optimism overdose…but more on The Great Blue Unwashed’s antics a bit later…
Davie Hay. The poor sod can’t do anything right. A mere nine hours or so after he’s “masterminded” the greatest 0-0 draw ever, there’s this (presumably beer-fuelled) altercation;
BrummieBob: “Now that MMB has left and we have been left with David Hay. Look no further for a Gaffer. We have always had David Hay. David Hay has been around and involved with Livi for a good few years now, and, after all the conjecture, who we should appoint as manager/coach, etc,etc etc,,we have the solution staring us in the face. Davie Hay. The players respect him as a coach and manager. The coaches, Biscuit and Billy, have his respect. DK reveres him and I think that he is a all round,stout fellow and good egg. Stick with DH. His record is impeccable. And we kicked Rainjers arse today, in all but goals. ITY!!”
Deasel (for it is he): “BULLSH*T!!!! [edited for safety reasons, no drummers hurt or penetrated during this process]
Last season we were third bottom of the league, with the most boring side it has ever been my misfortune to be forced to watch.
Davie Hay---- NO WAY. [I’m sorry, could you repeat that, your position isn’t quite clear enough]
Get a man in the job with a positive attitude, and an adventurous nature, not a boring, negative old fert”.
Negative old fert. Resist, resist, must resist comment...and so, with the twittering of morning’s ornithological chorus, a new day dawns;
Wulsonforlivi: “Someone I was talking to tonight mentioned Davie Hay's tenure as manager of Celtic, and how it was a period of player unrest, cliques, back-biting, and squabbling. Does this ring a bell?
Maybe DH is someone who knows a lot about football tactics etc, but little of motivation and managing groups of people on a personal basis?”
Rampant Lion: “Sorry folks I’m with Deasel on this one as far I see it DH sits in the stand and lets others do his work, when managers upset the ref they get sent to the stand as punishment so they can’t have an influence on the way the game is going, DH does it so he can keep warm beside DK [er, have they found Nemo too?] . MMB started this and Kirkwood and Preston are the men who are left to carry it on, and doing it well I might add, DH is not for me I’m afraid. If I saw any radical changes in team lineups then I may think differently. But you also have to remember Livi at the moment are back to full strength in my opinion that is why we are doing well .MMB had no Lovell, an unfit Fernandez, no Dorado, no fully fit Quino. We didn’t have Fernandez against Celtic and DH himself says he has made the difference.”
ChippyLion: “I only hold my negative views on DH on fact and not on perception and perhaps I am privileged in coming from a more informed position than most but what is abundantly clear if only to me is that the man is lazy, arrogant and holds no loyalty to the club, has little to no work ethic or people skills (essential as a FOOTBALL manager) and only works to his own agenda. His recent 'media game playing' is self evidence of this!”
No, I said “and so, with the twittering of dawn’s ornithological chorus, a new day dawns”.
Orco: “How come you only mention last season? I seem to remember doing no bad the years before that.
You may have been thrilled with Maximo but I can't remember a more negative game from Livi than our 5-1 drubbing at Celtic Park this year.
Let's face it no manager is all good or all bad in spite of your constant criticism of Hay. That's two difficult games in charge and no defeats so far. What would it take for you to change your mind?” Ah, the sun rises.
Warren Zevon: “Judge by results - 2 games - one win, one draw - only time will tell.”
Big Ally A. II: “I can't believe how anti Davie Hay everybody is being. Since he took over Livi have shown twice as much fight and determination about them. People may mention that it was Marcio who was in charge during the 3-0 game up at Aberdeen but that game certainly wasn't Livi's best performance. In the last two games we have seen a livi side who are committed and willing to bust a gut to get a result. If Livi beat Hearts at Tynie will Davie Hay still be getting the same slagging?” Just imagine if they’d lost (oh, hang on), Deasel (for it is he) will be leading a mob carrying burning torches. And towards the stadium this time, not his usual Saturday night trip to the Dechmont Hill Wicker Man…
After much predictable thrust and parry, covering everything from the reasons that we under performed last year, to the special pair of glasses that allows some to see the undead amongst us, we’re left contemplating this gem;
Dark and dangerous: “It is results that matter, who cares who the fecking manager is. I would be happy to see Hitler or Saddam Hussein as the manager as long as we do well.” And so concluded the Dundee FC board meeting regarding new investors. Allegedly.
Leaving behind the hatefest (for now), onwards (backwards?) to Tannadice (away game, 29th October 2003), that great soon-to-be cornershop on Tayside, less than 100 metres from that great soon-to-be Tesco, if the Inland Revenue/SPL/Companies House/Serbian Warlords/Agent Smith have anything to do with it.
The lack of pre-match banter, Wee_G’s 750th consecutive “lol-fest” on bus journeys aside, betrayed a certain nonchalant confidence amongst the Livi faithful for this trip. Misplaced or otherwise, the slight lack of banter after it betrayed the palpable relief. Nevertheless, the following pearls of wisdom accumulated in the oyster’s sac-muscle (pearl, nacre-coated compressed sand, sand, Arabs, quick it’s a gusher, hand me a tissue). Yes, I’m thinking Pearl Necklace too.
ancestor: “#1 They were dominant in the air and us on the ground-to 'counter' this we played the long ball and they played to feet a lot -about sums up the braindead tactics of both protagonists in an appalling spectacle or excuse for a football match. They were also too intent on fouling, kicking, pushing (when the ref was in the lenient mood to allow it) to be effective. Justice at the goal!!
#2 lack of atmosphere too-never seen all three terracing cleared of arabs while the handful of us were walking out before!”
Samtheman: “I think this is braw, even if the performance sucked, i dont care, because ast year we would have lost that match. if we can keep clean sheetes then we get points, every game, so that is braw.”
Keithc: “Good result and pleasing to see yet another shut out.
Any stato people out there know when this last happened??”
Indeed, no less than two people purported to know. After a brief hooded-anorak-based duel, step forward the ever-victorious LLD…
“Fantastic facts:
* 451 minutes without losing a goal is NOT a club record. The record stands at 534 minutes, set during the First Division championship season.
* however, Livi have never gone five COMPLETE competitive games without losing a goal before now”
And so, sprinting like a gazelle on steroids, it’s on to an altogether darker topic matter. No, not the darker matter gathering at the clumps of rectal pubic hair on an average Dunfermline supporter, rather “the real reason Maximo left”. Slightly out of chronological order of board events I know, but two consecutive hatefests is certainly not my style.
It all started with this rather curious exchange, observed latterly by the less fleet of foot (i.e. me)…
Arkaig: “I've been asked to remove this post but to keep the rest of the thread here...”
Shed7the3rd: “Well, if it's all true then no need for it to be deleted.
Glad somebody has the balls to actually post up Maximo's reasons for leaving.
Oh, and your comments about ***** go in order of a) b) then d)”
…and it then quickly developed into a whole lot of this…
Lee_The_Lion: “Any chance I could get a PM with the details.”
Weststandman: “...and me.”
hendy08: “and me please im always missin storys and catchin them when they have been edited. please guys.” Christ, somebody take pity on this one.
…before settling down to some of this…
HAcK: “Wee Bi*ch so "our" (and i use that very loosly) [I think not, baby puppy] is, he should pull his skirt up and do whats best for the club, not him.
I Smell pu$$y, is that you [dear oh dear] ? There Aint Nuthin' that can stop MMB, You Get So Emotional, You Remind me of my B!tch.” Sense at last. Thanks for clearing that up for everyone.
Littlemermaid: “Must admit, when I first read this thread I was more than a little bit shocked. Having said that, I never ever believed DK's version of why Maximo left. I've been brought up with the mentality of honesty being the best policy, but as far as I'm aware it has been more that one occasion that DK has chose to hide the truth. I did a bit of digging last night from my own 'inside' source and everything that Arkaig said IS true.” Aaaaargh! He didn’t say anything! He fecking well deleted it!
Finally. Arkaig: “It had come to light that there was at least one prominent figure within Livingston’s coaching staff who conducted a slur campaign against Maximo. It took four senior players to bring this to the attention of Maximo. The person in question (who has been named on this thread) [but not in this review] was said to have told players to ignore what Maximo was telling them, amongst other things.
The final straw came as an unknown person approached Maximo after the 4-1 Clyde defeat pointing the finger at this person for slating Maximo to the Press and anybody else that would listen.
This story came from Maximo himself. Not some dodgy Chinese whispered rumour. This is why he left.
No great secret, but It wasn't my place to publicly announce the story having been told the story from a close friend of Maximo's. There doesn't seem much point in keeping it quiet now. The fans have a right to know.”
A whole lot of huffing and puffing later, and we get to some sense.
Mellow_yellow: “Like someone else I retained an open mind about MMB. It seemed that he still had a lot to prove. And indeed, if he was sure he was going to prove it, why did he go? The best way of shutting up his critics, within the club and the newspapers was to prove his skills at doing the job.
So far, DH and the team have done well. Let's just sit back and see how it goes. If it's great, well, he is the man for the job. If it's not, let's find someone else. A trial period, let us say....” Which takes us in a very neat loop back to the ongoing Hay hatefest. I’m sure I’ll be writing about these ones again.
And our marathon continues. Onwards to the Hearts game, and we’ve come a bit unstuck (away game, 1st November 2003), as hinted at by one of our quieter board members (although he bottled it by claiming we’d win 1-0).
noiLiviL: “Really looking forward to the game on Saturday. I always enjoy the atmosphere at Tynecastle and hopefully we can continue our excellent form (particularly away from home!).
I kind of feel something has to give in this one as we are very solid at the back but hardly setting any goal scoring records whilst Hearts are scoring quite a few of late but are a lot more leaky at the back of late…I'll go for 1-0 to Livi… whilst Roddy saves a penalty…” Close, but no cigar. Kind of like Super-Roddy.
I’ll also stick my neck out a bit and say that there seems to be a bit of a closer affinity with the Jambos than a lot of other SPL teams – noiLiviL isn’t the only person who looks forward to this particular trip. Is it because we often take something from it, or because a few Livi based ex-Jambos have rallied to the cause, or because they’re always quite accommodating regards drums and flags? Who knows. Well, somebody must. If they could PM it to me, please, im always missin storys and catchin them when they have been edited. please guys.
Orco: “A good game to watch. Both teams played well with the biggest difference being that Hearts took their chances better than Livi. A draw would have been a fair result but Kirk’s goal was worthy of winning the game.
The only sour note for me was the penalty and its consequences. Having now watched it on tele the foul should have been against de Vries given that he knocked Kerr over before falling over himself.”
HAcK: “Deserved, or not..they scored more goals than us. A defeat for our efforts, but that's done and dusted so let's look forward to our next game.” A positive post, although I would caution that some form of “what went wrong” analysis needs to be carried out in order to fix it for the next game. More than a grain of truth in what you say, though.
The ever-impressed LLD: “As for the game, I thought it was possibly the most entertaining game I've seen this season. Both teams keen to win, and plenty of chances at both ends. It was an antidote to the crap witnessed at Tannadice on Wednesday.
We should have had the game tied up long before Hearts equalised, but such is life. The one positive I took is that we looked more than a match for the supposed third best team in the division.”
A bit of controversy, coloured with a bit of consolation next, from a periodic visitor.
WeOnlyWon5_1 : “At which point did you lot sing? All I heard was a repetitive thud which stopped when Kirk equalised... There's no atmosphere at Tynie anyway unless it's Celtic, Hibs or a European game.
You should have won that comfortably, we were utterly mince until the 2nd goal.”
And then, it gets a bit dark…
ancestor: “We got the 'Billy-Boys' song from three sides of the park yesterday.
That is two more sides than on our previous visit.” Quotes ancestor, from his hostess book. And the chap in seat AA H17 doesn’t like peas, in case you have them around again.
WeOnlyWon5_1: “…we are aware there is a small problem with bigotry at Tynecastle. Action is being taken, that's why Section N1 was closed off...” I may be on the wrong track, but does section N1 cover three sides of the park?
theharrywraggs.co.uk: “Was speaking to a street trader at Ibrox yesterday who sell's all the Cd's etc etc and he was saying that when Hearts come to Ibrox they go mad for all the Rangers gear, The Sectarian CD's etc etc... Kinda Proves it i think”. If a street trader at Ibrox said it, it must be true. I had a bit of grudging respect for Partick supporters until this extremely poor attempt at baiting…
Quino=Ledge: “Jambos are worse though. They think they are part of Hitler’s conquered army. Tossers.” Hmmm. Another Nemo-finder, I think.
Charles Darwin Esq: “Enough of these sour grapes gentlemen, please. It does you little credit.
Indeed there is a small element of baseball-cap-wearers who find it necessary to sing songs of a subject they know little about at Tynecastle. I know many respectable Hearts fans who are disgusted by this element, and it is fair to say these morons are very much in the minority.
Clearly their bigoted chants were most audible, but do remember the old adage:
Empty vessels make the most noise"
Ah, Mr Darwin, Charles, if I may be so bold. Without your carbon-boron rod, we’d be all neutroned out. Despite some earlier sarcasm, my personal experience is that the vast, vast majority of Jambos are disgusted at the antics of their extremely vocal minority, to the extent that they actively shop them (unlike the quiet majority at Ibrox and Parkhead) – the trouble is that you can ban season ticket holders (or shut a whole section), but it becomes difficult to stop people who pay at the gate (it’s not like you can accurately match thousands of faces against photos of hundreds of banned persons at every turnstile – who knows, maybe the National Identity Card will help, lol lol).
Christ, I’m in hell. My only consolation is that if you’re reading this, you’re probably half way there too. What next? Partick Thistle, and a chance to get back on track. The team, not this review. It’s got no chance.
shout'n: “It doesn’t matter what team we field, Partick thistle are desperate for points, they will know about our injuries and will be well up for this game, a tight game with a 2-1 victory mee thinks” This seemed to be the general consensus pre-match, with much (varied and basically unrepeatable, due to it’s now time-barred meaninglessness) debate about the team due to injury concerns.
Post-match? Well, not much shout’n (boom boom) given the Fernandez injury, which is later cleared up as being not too bad.
Deasel: “Final score 2-0. Not at our most impressive today. We played better last week and lost.”
Orco: “That was a hard fought performance against a team desperate for points. The whole team worked their socks off. It wasn't pretty at times but it was effective and but for some brilliant goalkeeping the score could have doubled. More of the same will be needed in a fortnight's time.” Aye, with the no-socks comment echoing StevenC’s comments way back at the start. Dare I say a Davie Hay improvement? No, I daren’t say it. I’ll be in that Wicker Man on Dechmont Hill, if I’m not careful. And not in the finding Nemo sense, either.
And now onto something that’s touched a few raw nerves, similarly to a South African prostrate massage (as witnessed on Sin Cities III, on Bravo), I imagine. The Forces of Darkness appear to want our cash (shock, horror), and the blue half are willing to come right to our door to get it…
MAMS: “Sorry but I find this totally disgusting.
Opening soon in the Almondvale Shopping Centre (who sponsor Livi) in the location next to Coda (Used to be Basix or Krackers) is the Rangers Shop - Livingston
this is disgusting and I hope Livingston FC tell Land Securities and the Management of Almondvale Shopping Centre how disgusting this is.” Yes, sometimes I don’t shave either, and that’s disgusting too (place that quote, go on, I dare you).
Nemesis: “I must admit I'm a bit pi$$ed off to hear there will be a Blue biggots boutique opening in the centre, I'll have to try hard to avoid gobbing on the window as I pass (Don't want banned from the centre) I can just imagine how the window will look with a full size picture of the queen and all that red white and blue sh!te hanging there and outside a gang of toothless buckie swilling junkies, tonking over pictures of their orange leaders. I too might avoid that part of the centre…” I repeat, “Tonking over pictures of their orange leaders”. King Spike is dead. Long live the king!
Agent Wild: “I find this absolutely disgusting, just as the original poster.
For the development of the town, it should be disallowed planning permission by the local council!” On what grounds? That’s starting to get a bit silly.
But, some calm voices in the storm, many of which are directed (quite rightly, IMHO) towards the paucity of our very own marketing attempts.
G_C_Lion: “Sorry MAMS, but I think you've got it all wrong here. Livi are sponsored by them and as such are, no doubt grateful for the funding received, and are not in a position to dictate to sponsors how they make their money. The onus would be on Livi to refuse the sponsorship, which I feel would be OTT. It is after all, just another shop for goodness sake. If Rangers feel there is a market for a shop in the area, then it could be said that it's the fault of Livi, for not convincing the locals that there is a better option on their door step.”
The ever-thoughtful LLD: “It was a matter of time. I agree with you in principle MAMS but the deciding factor will be market forces.
Rangers will be forking out a substantial sum of money to have the unit, and will need to see a high turnover in sales to make money.
I'd like to see them shut down having failed to find their market but I doubt it somehow.
This highlights the fact that Livi need some sort of presence in the Centre.”
Deasel (for it is he): “I've argued all along that we are not making a very good job of merchandising. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE CRIME, THAT A PARENT CANNOT BUY THEIR CHILD A LIVINGSTON FC DUVET SET FOR THEIR BED. If we want to breed young fans, I suggest we do it while they sleep.” Look, I’m sorry. “AN ABSOLUTE CRIME”? No, the absolute crime here is that my missus wouldn’t allow me to have a duvet set, even if some were available. She’s already put the dampners on my recent attempt to paint the bedroom gold and black. B!tch.
Lord Lucan: “Thought there was talk of a bigger shop opening at the Stadium ? The current shop is an absolute disgrace...too small...very little choice...etc. And what about us having a catalogue out in time for Xmas so that fans could order by mail order as well. Wonder if anyone has done anything about that.” Not sure. Let me guess. I’ve guessed no. Am I right?
And so, onto a bread’n’butter subject matter that will always see a bit of trade (or tirade). No sooner had the dust settled on the fine Scottish win over Holland, than we were reminded that the English rugby team are into the World Cup Final. A few messages of support later, for our Antipodean commonwealth comrades, and “it begins”. Taking time off from his other hobbies of smearing himself in blood and diving into the Great Barrier Reef, and sticking his honey-smeared member into a beehive, Saint George offered up this on the Unleished Board.
“By your statement, without Jonny, England would have lost. Using this theory as a benchmark, without McFadden Scotland would have drawn. The Scots have perverse standards when it come to England's achievements. An embittered, jealous nation, of no hopers.” Ooooooh. Somebody is in need of that prostrate massage I mentioned earlier. All in response to a possibly misinterpreted remark that England’s style of play was perhaps not as free flowing as others, instead relying on penalties and the admittedly excellent boot of said Jonny to see them through.
Croftie innocently clears this point up: “I don't think we're a jealous nation, we know our limitations and we have our dreams. What we hate is the smarmy guys on the telly expecting us all to be delighted whenever England win.” Oh oh. I said “Croftie innocently clears this point up”. Oh begger it.
Saint George : “whenever, we see Gemmill scoring a goal in the 1978 world cup.It's been on TV. that many times that I know the position of every blade of grass on the pitch......
Kenny Dalgleish scoring through Clemence's legs,Jim Baxter's keepy~uppy,circa 1967,and are unofficial world champions,[you wish]Big Joe Jordan's handball resulting in a penalty against Wales at Anfield,Scotland boarding the plane to "collect" the World Cup in Argentina,being told that in the 1974 world cup, that Scotland were the only team to be knocked ouit without losing a game, hooligans destroying the goals at Wembley,blah,blah,blah,.. sodding blah, put you own house in order before whining and whingeing about others.” Hmmm. A bee in his bonnet, as well as stuck to his member.
Spanners: “Don't let them draw you in St George. I've lived here for over 30 years and the one thing I have learnt is that The English are responsible for all the ills of the world and nothing you can say will change that. I have tried reasonable debate but nothing works. The mindset is such that reason will not be allowed to interfere.” I see. Thank goodness he’s not into generalisations. Personally, I’m all for self-responsibility. If you see a problem, fix it instead of whining about it. I agree that far too often others are getting “the blame” for certain issues, instead of people grasping the thistle and getting on with it. Not that the English are immune from all of this, by any means. Let’s not forget the many “we would have won the world cup” hoo-ha’s that have accompanied such injustices such as Maradonna’s goal, Beckham’s sending off and the many penalty shoot-outs down the years. Anyway, the “debate” about our two great nations’ perceived differences continues…
Quinny4scotland_livi: “Why not [that can’t be legal] back to that [anatomically impossible, old boy] hole people call England?!?!” And breathe, and relax.
A parallel thread started on the main board, that as usual goes something like “your country smells of pee, no your country smells of poo” etc etc. You know the score. English settlers disrupting our simple country lives. They just don’t understand our country ways, with their fancy pretences of belonging to a modern, cosmopolitan western democracy. Sense starts to filter through though, with the world’s only sensible living Welshman, BrianW:
“I actually enjoy the rivalry and ribbing that goes on - but it does not mean I hate the opposition. Too much thinking is locked in the past and in historic events that occurred when folk were less civilised.
We have moved on and I like to think a more modern way of viewing it is better. Back in Wales the rivalry with the English was every bit as intense as it is up here - but without so much of the 'history' and 'hate' debate.
When 'I were a lad' Wales used to ream England in the rugby all the time - so we had our day. Nowadays it's the other way around and they take the piss out of us. I know for a fact that one day it will turn around again and then Wales will take the piss etc etc [you’re having a laugh mate, I said sensible]
Bottom line - this is the 21st century and more parts of the world are learning to lighten up and live with each other. Time to join in and leave the dark ages behind - just enjoy the banter.”
BrianW and a few others (notably the ever-sensible LLD) aside, GROW UP, the lot of you. Besides, our mates are certainly much bigger than your mates. Take a poll of Americans or Frenchmen, and ask them whether they’d rather nuke England, Scotland, Wales or Ireland, and I’ll bet you’d get quite a quick response, probably hearing the “E” word before they even heard the other choices. George W really is crazy enough to think it’s a good idea as well. I’d just tell him that we, and more importantly our oil, needed liberated from oppression. You’ve been warned. I really do have that kind of clout.
And that’s about it. Far, far, longer than it will be in the future, but I thank you if you’re still here. What have I missed? Loads. Cherif is off (very few good lucks) and some crowd of desperate losers bid £1.57 and an old Beano for Marvin (he didn’t agree personal terms though, despite DK really wanting the comic). Roddy McKenzie is rapidly finding his feet (now just for his hands – only kidding, he’s doing great, great enough to merit a Scotland call from some corners – the dunces one, generally). Spike is missing (he’ll be in Switzerland with the Suisse Miss) and Ayrfan is still here (he’s at home, trying on his mum’s pants while she’s at the bingo). Rangers conned Dundee into giving them Kis…Kihs…Kras…Nish, some geezer, for free due to a paperwork infringement (aye, right, cry the boards – the technical infringement is probably to do with misspelling his name), and some crowd of gonzos found their way onto TV proper. I can’t imagine the world getting much scarier, unless Spike seizes the reins of power (as opposed to the ones tied to Martina’s collar). See you in a fortnight.
Yours in Livi,
The Episiarch