Apr 7th - Daily Tabloid - Want Onions mate?

Last updated : 07 April 2005 By Alli Babba

It would appear that the rather upredictable Pearse Brosnan, has appointed 80’s comedy icon ‘Stavros the Kebab seller’ to the position of ‘Club interpretor’, after the short term signing of Pascal Nouma has raised the profile of Livingston FC in Turkey, a small land locked country to the far north of Asia.

Livingston fans web sites have been inundated by Turkish ‘Turks’ all clambering for any information on Pascal, who famously once gave the Royal Crown Prince of Turkmenistan a ‘Moonie’ after scoring a vital goal during a vital end of season derby game between Fennerbatchie and Rabsbarsponsor. It was this very celebration that saw him arrested and placed in jail for 2 years until Jason (and his Argonauts) managed to wangle him free amidst scenes more akin to a 'Carry On' movie.

In Turkey you see they are not allowed to keep women as pets, and if a woman is found in the street without the correct papers then she is immediately shown a red card and ordered back to the kitchen to make

A bemused Stavros, yesterday
supper for her hard working husband and children. So when a woman is spotted in the streets, it causes mayhem, with the traffic stopping to gawk and everything.
On the occasion of Pascals bid for freedom, the Argonauts were pretending to have a kick about outside the prison in full view of the guards. This one Argonaut falls to the ground, like he has hurt his leg or something, and before you can say ‘shake and vac’ a lovely leggy lady who has appeared from nowhere goes down on him with her magic sponge, much to the delight of the guards who are given an eyeful of her Turkish Delight.

While they were distracted, the Argonauts sneeked into Pascals cell to give him a spoon with instructions on how to dig a hole in the wall of his cell behind the poster of Miss Piggy.
After Literally months of 'digging' he was free, and he has been on the run ever since. He found his way to Livingston after burrowing inside the tyre of a Cessna Hawk aeroplane (or equivalent) and upon touchdown at Livingston International was whisked away to Livingstons 'multi-pound' Almondvale Complex by a ballaclavad Brosnan with a rather bemused Stavros in tow.

Wot u geev eem back or ells no boo Pascal

Pascal beeg boy no

"U wee teem way no fanns

I Plenny unions an soz mate

When asked to translate for the Daily Tabloid just what the Turks were trying to say in their child like messages Stavros was unable to help. “I’m Greek, hello evellybody peeps” he reminded Brosnan.

Oh’oh! It seems that someone didn’t do there homework!

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