Following the arrival of new Almondvale manager, Richard Van Gough, Livingston has been positively awash with impressionist artists, cubists and surrealists, but this has given local police chiefs something of a headache.
Lothian & Borders top cop, Chief Inspector Nick Handjob, says the station switchboard at Livingston has been glowing red with local residents complaining about the invasion of artists.
“We’ve taken calls from all over Livingston” he told our reporter yesterday. “One elderly gentleman received quite a shock when he found Toulouse-Lautrec painting a nude in his back garden, whilst a lady in Eliburn called to say Salvador Dali was waxing his moustache on her doorstep whilst painting a droopy clock on her bin store. This really is too much.”
Indeed, LiviUltras too have been bombarded with emails from concerned locals. We’ve been told of such things as Renoir and Degas vandalising cars with floral designs, Claude Monet exposing himself to a flower seller, but most disturbing of all was a report of Picasso re-sculpting concrete hippos in Dedridge into obscure random shapes.
We contacted Van Gough at Almondvale for comment, but all he would say is “art is a public and deeply private medium, and is the best way to express one’s inner turmoil.” We also called Charles Rennie McIntosh but he refused to help, claiming he is a Partick Thistle supporter.
However Chief Inspector Handjob has promised action, and we’ll keep you, our loyal readers, posted.