Daily Tabloid - Global warming shock for Dov

Last updated : 19 December 2004 By Julian Creamfister

A brave Dov, yesterday

Scientists in the USA last night warned of additional dangers surrounding the problem of global warming. And in a shock report produced by the Weather And Natural Knowledge Early Response (W.A.N.K.E.R.) unit, figures show that should the planet continue to heat at it’s present rate, LiviUltras’ Dov will shrink by 2 inches every year.

As has been well documented, global warming is already taken place, evidenced by such things as the rise in sea levels due to polar ice melt, increasingly volatile weather systems and Dov reducing from a strapping 6’2” to his present 5”1”. And unless world leaders tackle this problem as a collective issue, Dov is expected to fall below 5 feet by November 2005.

We contacted Dov at his private suite in Carstairs Hospital to break the news, and perhaps unsurprisingly he was extremely anxious. “I can’t believe what that W.A.N.K.E.R. is saying” he sobbed to our reporter. “I used to be able to order a drink at the bar standing up no bother. Nowadays I have to use a bar-stool. Mind you, I’m not allowed to drink anymore, the voices tell me things you see.”

English PM Tony Bliar last night promised urgent action to tackle the problem. “Y’know, trust me” he said to a packed Downing Street press conference. “I’ll check with George W and see what he wants me to do” he continued.

Meanwhile, the unfortunate, and increasingly diminutive Dov was keeping a brave face. “My hand is a cabbage” he said “and my nose is the Bilberry Prince of Tonga he laughed before making a crown from Lego and calling it Cyril.

Research continues.