Daily Tabloid - gravity wells CAN exist

Parkheed has a so-called Gravity Wall

Cosmologists moved closer to unraveling the workings of the universe last night after discovering that gravity wells CAN exist.

Previously, it was assumed that isolated bursts of unusually powerful gravitational fields were a theoretical impossibility.

But, according to boffins at the Space Research Centre in Colorado, USA, concentrated lumps of Dark Matter can form invisibly in unexpected places. These areas of intense gravity can influence objects in their vicinity, creating an unstable gravitational field which can effect nearby objects, often causing them to fall over.

Amazingly, two of these gravity wells are thought to exist in the penalty boxes at Celtic Park! Scientists were called in to investigate the curious effect which causes Celtic players to fall over near their opponents’ goal mouth.

Midfielder Stilian Petrov revealed;"It has to be some sort of strange gravity wotsit. One minute I'm running along, suddenly I'm flat on my face and no one's anywhere near me. It scares me sometimes."

Despite initial enthusiasm at identifying a possible source of gravity wells, the scientists' search at Parkhead has so far proved elusive. "It's very frustrating," growled Dr. Dan Paterson, a Cosmologist from Colorado.

"The dark matter only seems to function on match days. We set up our instruments during the week and we can't find a goddamn thing!"