Daily Tabloid - Livi players in grass-smoking scandal

Last updated : 17 December 2004 By Damian Ladygarden

Almondvale is still reeling from the news that several players were found smoking an ‘inappropriate’ substance following Saturday’s 2-0 defeat at Motherwell.

The players, who cannot be named for legal reasons, were found by deputy assistant Groundsman, Koala Rectalpirate smoking “grass” inside the machinery store. A stunned Rectalpirate told our reporter “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I’d just popped into the store with a ball-boy to check the lawn roller was still inflated when I saw them.” Visibly shaken, he continued “five or six first team players were sitting in a circle round a pile of smouldering grass cuttings, laughing and joking as if nothing was wrong. They must’ve scraped them off the mower blades I suppose.”

Mr Rectalpirate immediately reported the incident to Assistant Groundsman, Harry Arsebandit, but to his disgust was told to ignore it. “What kind of example was that to show?” fumed Rectalpirate, “I mean, there could have been a child there, or a disabled person or something. Livingston FC should be ashamed!”

We contacted Head Groundsman, Dave Uphill-Gardener, for comment, but all he would say was “smoking grass isn’t an offence. And besides, I sacked Koala Rectalpirate 2 weeks ago for trying to lure a ball-boy into the machinery store, so cheers for letting me know he’s still hanging around.”

Lionheart chief Pierce Brosnan was unavailable for comment as he is presently away on business chasing a man with three nipples.