Daily Tabloid - Livi v Hearts off, but why?

Last updated : 20 December 2004 By Marjorie Stewart-Baxter

Genuine Rangers lice, yesterday
Disappointed Livi fans were turned away from Almondvale yesterday in their tens following referee Kenny Clarke’s decision to call the game off due to an unplayable pitch. However contrary to media speculation, the Daily Tabloid has received information that the postponement was not due to ice – but LICE.

Club spokeswomanperson Kaye.K.Kay made the shock revelation during a private discussion with a lady in the next cubicle at the public toilets in McArthur Glen, yesterday afternoon. According to Ms Kay, the pitch at the North Stand end was positively awash with wriggling lice, thus making any match an impossibility.

We contacted Ms Kay to clarify the matter, and she reluctantly admitted it was true. “Following the visit of Rangers fans last month, the North Stand has been infested with lice, you know how manky huns are” she whispered. “Cleaners have refused to go there any more but we’ve not told the Environmental Health yet. You won’t say anything, will you?” she continued.

However, the Daily Tabloid is the fans’ champion so we headed straight for chairman Tony Kinder-Egg’s office to confront him. “Howay man” he wept. “Would you send ya players oot onto a pitch which is just a wrigglin’ carpet of invertebrates? Ah divvun knaa any manager who would man, specially not Van Gough.” And indeed, when shown the pitch ourselves we were forced to agree, as it was nothing more than a seething mass of maggot-like pupae. The North Stand too was moving with the infestation.

Club chiefs have called in pest control experts and work to clear the infestation is due to last a week. In the meantime, worried fans are being urged to check their hair for contamination, and Livi fan theman has generously provided online haircare help via the following web link: