Livi assistant manager John Knox last night appointed the little-known Salad Fingers as the club’s new chief scout.
“Brothers” he told the waiting media, “we have searched the Protestant world for a man of sound, God-fearing stock to help find our talent of the future. And God has guided us to Mr Fingers”. Although Salad Fingers is well known in Flash animation circles, he is less so in football, but Knox is confident he’s found the right man. “His knowledge of rusty objects is second to none, so he’s perfect.”
And in an exclusive interview with the Daily Tabloid, Salad Fingers himself outlined his plans for the future. “I like rusty spoons” he panted. “Can you tell me where you keep the spoons?” And when asked which qualities he looks for in potential new talent, he was straight to the point, “’stop scratching your basket-belly!’ said Mary Mandolin.”
Fingers is expected to use close associates Hubert Cumberdale, Marjorie Stewart-Baxter and Jeremy Fisher as extra eyes and ears. Cumberdale has, in fact, been capped for his country so has experience, although this was only a ‘friend hat’ presented by Fingers himself.
But when asked for any words of encouragement for the fans, Fingers was extremely up-beat, telling reporters “there’ll be fog on the shore tonight Bosun!”
The Daily Tabloid is pleased to welcome Salad Fingers to the club and look forward to reporting his progress as the season continues. And as a thank you, we presented him with a rusty kettle which he caressed with delight.