Fri 18th - Daily Tabloid - Yorkston escapes the death penalty

Last updated : 18 February 2005 By Watt Tyler

A relieved Yorkston, yesterday
Dunfermline Athletic chairman John Yorkston was last night given a slap on the wrists by the SFA for a joke comment he made about Celtic hooligan Bobobobobo Balde. Yorkston quipped that the 7 foot bouncer has caused more injuries this season than the artificial surface at East End Park, but the humourless bhoys grassed him up, leading to yesterday’s public warning.


However, Celtic’s resident Zebidee impersonator, the Divine St Martin O’Neill (peace be upon Him) reacted with fury to what he sees as over-lenient treatment. “I...I...I can’t believe it!” he fumed to reporters outside Porkhead. “How dare they do this to Celtic FC, don’t they know who we are? Don’t they know who runs the game? I demand justice!”


O'Neill (peace be upon Him) takes his rage out on a neighbour, last night
Since Yorkston’s amusing sideline several weeks ago, O’Neill (peace be upon Him) has been calling for the Pars chief to face the death penalty, or at least the public amputation of several vital limbs. Indeed, O’Neill (peace be upon Him) has gone on record as saying “calling any of my players names is tantamount to blasphemy, and the only punishment worthy of such a heinous act is hanging, drawing and quartering. I’d settle for a public stoning though if the do-gooders complained too much.”


The Daily Tabloid understands that O’Neill (peace be upon Him) will be making a formal protest to both the SFA and the Vatican in the hope that the rules can be changed to suit him as normal. We also believe Celtic are lodging a motion at the next SPL meeting to ratify the legalisation of diving, cheating and general thuggery by their own players only, but still make such conduct illegal for opposing players. Rangers are also likely to make a similar demand.


And by a strange coincidence, Pope John Paul II is expected to grant St Martin’s (peace be upon Him) request to have Neil Lennon canonised. Henrik Larsson became St Henrik 2 months ago.