Fri 24 - Daily Tabloid - Keane tries to ban Christmas!

Last updated : 25 December 2004 By Gabriel Archangel

Keane, speaking from Hell yesterday
Disgraced former Livi chairman Dominic Keane last night (allegedly) started legal action to have Christmas banned. For in a shock move at the High Court in Edinburgh, Keane lodged a petition calling for Santa Clause to immediately cease his actions or face a costly action.

Speaking to the Daily Tabloid from his hideaway in the deepest, darkest recess of Hell, Keane explained why he was (allegedly) taking such action. “Christmas is that nauseating time of year when everyone is happy” he said. “Why should everyone be happy when I’m not? Well I said I’d teach the world a lesson and it starts NOW!” he continued with a manic cackle.

But when confronted with the possibility that his Scrooge-like action could lead to crushing disappointment to millions of good children across the globe, Keane was showing no sign of compassion. “F*ck them!” he bellowed whilst chewing on a large grub.

“Anyway, I’m sick of all this talk of Santa, why aren’t people talking about me any more?” he rumbled on. “By banning that jolly red b*stard, I’m guaranteed to get the front pages all to myself and that’s the way I like it, so f*ck the lot of you!” At this point Keane hopped away into the shadows.

Fortunately for humanity, this action is likely to be unsuccessful. Top QC Farquhar Awayinamanger told us “Keane has no chance. No judge in his right mind would rule in favour of such a motion. Happy Christmas to everyone!”

So it looks as though Christmas will be saved after all. Hurrah!

Merry Christmas from all the team here at The Daily Tabloid!