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Fri 25th - Daily Tabloid - Livi to move, it's official

Last updated : 25 March 2005 By Raj Barsteward

The Livingston Fans forum was rocked last night by confirmation from new owner Pierce Brosnan that the rumours regarding the club leaving Almondvale are indeed true.


"New Almondvale Stadium", yesterday
Addressing a packed hall, Brosnan announced “as many of you know, I’m a successful businessman as well as a top MI6 agent. So in addition to killing the odd Supervillain and shagging his secretaries, I happen to know a bit about running a successful company. Livingston FC has not been very successful of late, so I’ve decided to follow the problem model of all my Call Centre businesses, and move the club to India.”


When the gasp of stunned shock had subsided around the hall, Brosnan continued “it’s all about overheads. At the moment we have more going out than in, so I have to make urgent changes, and this is the most practical one. Wages are much cheaper over in India, so there will be no need to pay players £4000 a week any more: most Indians would be happy to see £4 a week in their pockets! And some rice. Or maybe curry powder. But the one promise I make to you here and now is that the turbins WILL be amber.”


Fans’ spokesman Peter Edinburgh then demanded to know how fans would be able to watch the team playing every week if they move to India. Brosnan advised he was in negotiations with FirstBus as a potential sponsor, so a deal for subsidised transport could be struck. “If you finish up work on a Wednesday, you could make the match easy. Why do you always see problems?”


However the SPL may yet scupper Brosnan’s plan as the remaining 11 clubs are unlikely to accept the 8,000 mile round trip twice a season on financial grounds. And in another shock move, Rangers chairman David Murray advised he too was contemplating moving his club to India, but for different reasons. “In line with our new zero-tolerance policy towards sectarianism, a move to India makes sense as very few Indians know what a Fenian is, so they’re unlikely to sing about them” he said.