Fri 29th - TABLOID - Voodoo terror of TABLOID staff

Last updated : 29 April 2005 By Dr Kananga

Articles left behind by the bats, yesterday
Following yesterday’s exposé by the fans’ champion Tabloid of the Nigerian 419 scam, so-called Chief Umbong Umbong Theydrinkitinthecongo has placed a voodoo curse on Tabloid Towers, leaving several valuable staff members quivering with fear.


The ‘Chief’ was so furious that his lucrative money-making scam was uncovered that he immediately contacted us to express his rage. “You die, f*cking guy!” he roared in that deep, booming African voice, “A curse upon you and your goats! May they die a death of many pains, and may your jum-jum go black and fall off! I witch doctor, you in big trouble now guy, OK you?” He then slammed the phone down.


A short while after this, Tabloid staff noticed a large number of bats suspended upside-down from the windows of the building. These then broke through the glass and promptly flew off with our wallets and purses. This was odd enough, but even stranger was the fact the bats spoke in broad Scouse accents, shrieking “Eh? Eh? You startin’?” in their clicking radar language.


One of the pygmies, unmasked
An hour later, several pygmies in Ayr United shirts and intricately carved wooden tribal masks were attempting to gain entry to the building. Two did eventually succeed and made off with our secretary, Brittany Ferries, thinking her to be a virgin for sacrificing to their God, Po-tato. However, editor-in-chief Dov played this down saying she was known to most rugby teams in West Lothian and so would returned soon enough.


And so in an effort to combat the “Chief’s” voodoo, we contacted 90’s dance/techno group The Shamen, to see if they could cancel out the black magic. And after a few choruses oh “E’s good! E’s good”, everything fell silent. So hopefully this is an end to the matter. But it takes more than Voodoo and international crime rings to stop the Tabloid from bringing YOU the truth!