Fri 31st - Daily Tabloid - Beware the Jolly Rodger!

Last updated : 02 January 2005 By William Morgan

A pirate at the Almondvale Centre, yesterday
Given the recent let-up in the freezing conditions plaguing the town, Livingston has now come under attack from a plague of a different kind – pirates!

Up till recently, icebergs at Cramond have prevented the movement of large vessels up the River Almond, however given the thaw in recent days, large tracts of open water have appeared, thus enabling the upstream progress of several large galleons. This in turn has lead to widespread piracy along the river’s course, with Livingston the latest town to see the Jolly Rodger in anger.

Lothian & Borders Police have been swamped with calls from scared
West Lothian residents, and a veritable crimewave has descended upon the district. But given the lack of Police officers available, calls have been made for the army to be called-in to help tackle the problem.

In the meantime, the Daily Tabloid offers the following five pointers to help you all stay pirate-free this Hogmanay:

  • If burying valuables for safety, do not leave a map with a large X marking the location.
  • Parrots must be kept indoors and NOT upon the shoulder.
  • Those wearing eye-patches for medical reasons should advise Police immediately for their own protection.
  • Prosthetic limbs and supplies of rum must be kept hidden as they are highly prized by pirates.
  • All West Lothian residents named Davie Jones are advised to move to Belgium temporarily, until the crisis has abated.

We interviewed Captain Jack Cut-Throat, one of the pirate leaders, to gain an insight into their methods. “Ha-haaaar me hearties!” he said. “Oi be wantin’ all yer gold and jewels else I’ll have ye walk the plank y’swabs!” continued Cut-Throat whilst brandishing a large cutlass at our reporter.

Investigations continue.