Mon 10th - Daily Tabloid - Almondvale Stadium is sinking!

Last updated : 10 January 2005 By B Angdher

Sal T. Nuts (88), a professor of ‘Sinking Studies’ at West Lothian College has been looking into the rising water levels in and around Livingston’s stadium and has reached the startling conclusion that over the last 10 years, Almondvale, or to use it’s more common name, The ‘Your Name Here’ Bowl, has sunk almost 4 feet into the reclaimed marshland it was built on.

Further studies may have found the root cause for this. In a strange twist to the tale, Club Chairman Tony Kinder Egg (50), who for some time now has claimed to have the clubs best interests at heart despite being involved on every occasion it has been close to being turned into a wild life pond, may have unwittingly left a tap running in his club bedrooms ensuite toilet, for 8 years!

Tony Kinder Egg, yesterday

“Tony means well” commented Professor Nuts, “but he is a bit dizzy, and his hair, as you know, is a bit frizzy”.

“He’ll probably get his books if Peers [club pawnbroker] finds out about this, so I really shouldn’t comment any further. I will add however, that it will serve him right. Between you and me, he is so tight, that he gets his mum to half inch hair care products from up the centre. It’s a wonder that she hasn’t been caught yet, the poor soul’

When shown this evidence, Tony refused to comment, only saying “Thanks, I’ll turn the tap off and get a pair of those jokes glasses for my old dear to aid her continued raids on they rip off merchants that call themselves barbers up the centre. You know the glasses I mean? Sure you do, the ones with the sticky on big moustache.”

Peers Skinflint was more forthcoming when shown details of Professor Nuts findings, but we couldn’t understand a word he was saying?

Tabloid Horoscopes, by Justin Topper Harley

This month, for all readers I see a holiday for 2, a ride in a fast car, a family meal that leads to a disastrous conclusion, a down turn in job prospects, a sick cat, a burnt shirt, an indignant child and towards the end of the month, a fumble behind the curtains with that burd/laddie you fancy at the school disco, after a couple of mouthfuls of mad dog 20/20.

‘Till next month……………………..