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Mon 21st - Daily Tabloid - Rangers get a new crowd

Last updated : 21 March 2005 By William Prince of Tangerine

Govan Primary School, hard at work yesterday
Following chairman David Murray’s decision to ban sectarian supporters from Ibrox, Rangers have been working flat-out to cope with the expected glut of empty seats inside Castle Greyskull.


The Daily Tabloid understands the club has been working closely with local schools to make cardboard figures in order to make the stands appear full. Indeed, scores of youngsters have been employed to create the figures in time for Rangers’ next home match, with a round-the-clock rota in operation.


Saving on cardboard, only the upper halves of the figures are being made, to give the appearance of a well behaved crowd, obeying the SPL seating regulations. Furthermore, absolutely NO orange paint has been permitted in the manufacture, proving Rangers’ serious intent to stamp-out sectarianism. Four tankers of tangerine paint HAVE been ordered however, but that’s not orange, is it?


As there is likely to be very little crowd noise inside the stadium, Murray has hired a public broadcast company to pipe crowd noises from the stands’ loudspeakers. Murray has also had special non-sectarian songs recorded for broadcasting at future matches, including “The scarf my father wore”, “Hello, Hello we are the Jimmy boys” and “Swallow, swallow”.


The Cup, last year
And in an EXCLUSIVE interview with the Tabloid last night, ginger Gers boss Alex McLeish promised to look after the CIS Cup they won yesterday. “We all know it’s Livi’s trophy, so I’ll make sure we keep it polished for them getting it back next year” he said in a completely non-sectarian way.