Mon 28th - Daily Tabloid - Bitter Bairns mystery solved
Last updated : 28 March 2005 By Getty Falkirkyabass
 | Falkirk's new 'Lego Stadium' nears completion, yesterday |
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Fans of Falkirk FC have been feverishly backtracking recently following the news that their state-of-the-art new Lego Stadium on the outskirts of the town is nearing completion.
For the Bairns were famous for their near-universal condemnation of Livingston FC’s visionary outlook regarding the future of football in Scotland when both clubs were in the First Division, particularly the need to relocate and modernise. For whilst Falkirk were still playing at the delapidated Brockville Stadium, Livingston fans were enjoying the plush surroundings of the new and modern Almondvale Stadium.
Football scholars have been puzzled as to why this bitter resentment existed for years, however Professor Gideon Groinswelling of Oxford University thinks he may have cracked it at long last. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Daily Tabloid, Prof Groinswelling said “there’s no great mystery to this: they’re just plain jealous.” This discovery is likely to send shockwaves up the Forth, then inland a bit.
Prof Groinswelling continued “Falkirk fans were watching a dusty old second-rate team perform in near slum conditions. The fact a younger and better team was playing in superior surrounding so nearby was clearly too much for their collective psyche, and so vitriolic bitterness became their only way to express it. As much as their restricted intellect would permit at the very least.”
It comes as no surprise to Prof Groinswelling that Falkirk have decided to copy the superior Livingston model by relocating to a new stadium with modern facilities and access. “Natural Selection plays its part in sport as well as nature” he observed, “and were Falkirk to continue down their path of blind ignorance, they would surely have ended up obsolete.”
The Tabloid understands Falkirk FC awarded the construction contract to Danish firm Lego, the same firm which built Almondvale Stadium, but have since had to be bailed-out by the local authority due to them being pure rubbish with money. Lego will now complete the work in time for Falkirk failing to win promotion at the end of the current season.
