Mon 31st - Daily Tabloid - Keane in gangster terror

Last updated : 31 January 2005 By Luigi 'The Claw' DiNero

The alleged gangsters, yesterday
Disgraced (alleged) habitual liar Dominic Keane last night spoke of his terror at the hands of notorious gangsters.

Keane, also known by his alias of The Toad, was conducting a business meeting with nuns concerning the supply of puppies to orphaned children when he was approached by 7 men wearing large hats and carrying violin cases. The men then bundled him into a waiting car and drove him to an unknown destination.

There, Keane claims he was tied to a chair blindfolded before the real horrors began. “It was terrible” he croaked, “They started calling me some really nasty names, like ‘Four Eyes’ and ‘Bubble Head’. No man should have to listen to talk like that. Then when the names stopped they squirted me with water from squeezy bottles. One of them wasn’t rinsed properly and my eyes really nipped!”

As to the identity of his kidnappers, all Keane was told is that they were working for someone by the name of Mr X. Who this is, Keane claimed to have no knowledge. But whoever the gang were working for, Keane was left in no doubt what the motive was. “They told me to back-off giving LionHeart my shares in Livi as they knew where I live. One of them even threatened to put an Elastoplast on my leg and rip it off again: how can you say no to someone like that?” he wailed.

“I really, really want to give LionHeart my shares”
he continued, “for the nuns and orphans and that. But all that talk of Elastoplasts has made me think twice. I have my family to think of.”

And due to this terrifying experience, Keane is now likely to delay transferring his shares to the LionHeart consortium till it runs up his humph to do so.