Sat 15th - Daily Tabloid - Knox announces Hungary revolution

Last updated : 15 January 2005 By Vlad the Impailer

Knox addressing the conference, yesterday
Following the unveiling of Livi’s three new Hungarian stars, assistant coach John Knox has hinted that this is only the beginning of a Hungarian revival of the Lions’ fortunes.

Addressing another packed press conference at Armadale Lodge 101, Knox announced “brothers, behold the shape of things to come!” And indeed, Knox cut an imposing and convincing figure in his flowing robes, stout bible and lengthy beard. “I intend to keep the rest of the squad hungry: starving them will boost their performance, especially the papes” he continued. Perhaps as a sign of his sincerity, no biscuits were available with the press conference tea, and the Hungarian trio were looking distinctly drawn, with their deckchair shirts hanging from their meagre frames.

It was also noted that large sections of cage were seen being carried into Almondvale Stadium over the past few days. Explaining these, Knox said “we’re making a cage, 50ft by 20ft in the home dressing room to keep the players in. This way Vincent and I can make sure they don’t nip home for a sandwich or biscuit. As soon as training’s finished, it’s back to the cage with them. That should teach them to win matches”

A representative from Amnesty International was present at the conference, however when he expressed his disbelief at such barbaric treatment of human beings, Knox was in no mood to relent. “Shut your ungodly mouth!” he roared, slamming his bible on the table. “Caging Mary Queen of Scots cured that particular problem, and if the players don’t like it then they can die. I’ll sort out this shower of losers if it kills them!”

It’s worth noting the colour drained from the new Hungarian players’ faces when Knox’s outburst was translated.