Follicley-gifted Livi chairman, Tony Kinder-Egg, was last night at the centre of a gut-wrenching trouser incident.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the fans’ champion Daily Tabloid, Kinder-Egg told of his heartache as his favourite white spandex flares had gone missing. “Man, you just wouldn’t believe it!” he told our reporter. “I was gannin’ oot to this reet classy roadside café on Thursday neet, so went into me wardrobe to get me real classy clobber, y’knaa? But when I got there, me sparkly Elvis troosahs had gone man, gone!”
Wiping a tear from his eye, and running his fingers through his substantial mane, Kinder-Egg continued “to say I was gutted would be an understatement man. I was reet sick pet, as I’ve had them troosahs for 25 years! I bought them in a canny shop in Newcassle to wear to a Mud concert, an’ I’ve worn them to every special occasion since. I just cannat believe I’ll never feel that spandex on me thighs again man.”
We contacted Lothian & Borders police to advise of Kinder-Egg’s missing flares, but they were unable to help. Spokeswoman WPC Gloria Hugemellons told us that no report had been received from Mr Kinder-Egg, and so no action could be taken to help locate the missing trousers. However, she did check Lost Property but sadly nobody had yet handed-in a pair of sparkly spandex flared trousers. “We will monitor the situation” she said however, giving Kinder-Egg a glimmer of hope.
And in an attempt to make this story topical, we asked disgraced teller of pork pies, Dominic Keane, for his thoughts on the matter. Sadly he was too depressed to comment, having blown £10,000 on protection money to fend off evil villains.
The Daily Tabloid is offering a reward of 2 Cream Eggs for any information that leads to the recovery of Kinder-Egg’s trousers. Please call our Hotline on 07979 863811 if you know anything.