Sun 17th - SUNDAY TABLOID - Brosnan rages at SPL split

Last updated : 18 April 2005 By El Guappo

Furious Brosnan in Monte Carlo, yesterday
Furious Livingston supremo, Pierce Brosnan, last night lashed-out at the SPL split which sees the Lions play only 2 home games out of the remaining 5.


Speaking via satellite phone from a casino in Monte Carlo, Irishman Brosnan raged “whose dumb stupid idea was it to split the SPL anyway? I may be as thick as three short planks nailed to an incredibly thick phone book, but even I know there can be no even split.” Pausing to sip his Martini, shaken not stirred, Brosnan continued “The top 6 always get the ‘SP’, whilst the bottom 6 are left scrapping it out for the ‘L’ – that’s no way to end a season!”


We asked Brosnan how he would deal with the split were he head of the SPL. “I’d split the feckin’ think right down the middle!” he retorted immediately. “That way the top 6 would get ‘SI’ and the bottom 6 the ‘L’ and a sort-of backwards ‘C’. Much fairer if you ask me.”


The mysterious El Nombre, last night
Being the fans’ champion as ever, we took Brosnan’s idea to renowned animated mathematician, El Nombre, for verification. “Senor Brosnan has a very good idea amigo” said the masked TV rabbit from his Mexican hideaway, as he read-over the fax we sent him. “Eet ees quite right that 3 cannot be divided equally as whole number senor, bot eet can be spleet as fractions. One and a half plus one and a half ees three! Now I most go and teach a small rat how to make 50. Adios!”


Brosnan is expected to submit El Nombre’s findings to the SPL Split Committee next week.