Reports have reached the Tabloid office tonight that 
Firstly, we spoke to Pierce Brosnan who had no idea what we were talking about, saying “a what? A feckin’ goal? Never heard of it, now b*gger off!”
So we next tried his General, Vivien Kylesofbute, but again she was fairly unhelpful. “Sorry boys, but I only know about Barbies, knitting, nail varnish and stuff. I hate football: it’s yuk!”
Chairman Tony Kinder-Egg came next, but he was too distraught over the loss of his spandex flares to provide meaningful comment. “Me troosahs! Me bonnie white troosahs!” was all he could wail.
Running short of names, we tried Livi assistant gaffer John Knox after that. “Ah, there’s gonna be white smoke up the lum soon, I can feel it in my Presbyterian bones!” he yelled with wild eyes and a beard brimming with joy.
So, with all the cards played, all we had left was the Joker. So we called Fug Gough on his mobile and asked him. He actually seemed to know more than the others. “A goal you say? A goal, hmmm. Ah yes, during my lengthy tenure as Rangers captain in our historic 9-in-a-row period, I stopped a…”. We have no idea what he said after that as we hung up through extreme boredom, and looked up an encyclopaedia instead. Good job we did, as the Sunday Tabloid can now EXCLUSIVELY reveal that a “goal” is, in fact, the very thing Livi have been conceding by the shed load all season.
So now if Livi manage to get another, you’ll know exactly what it is.