Sun 2nd - Sunday Tabloid - BMA reclassify the hand

Last updated : 02 January 2005 By Goatskin Monkeymerkin

BMA model of the reclassified hand, today
Celtic manager, the Divine St Martin O’Neill (peace be upon Him) was rejoicing today following his successful petition to the British Medical Association to have the word “hand” redefined in anatomical circles. For in this afternoon’s game against Livingston, Celtic were gifted a penalty for “hand”-ball using the new criteria.

attacker Jim Hamilton was adjudged to have deliberately handled the ball inside his own penalty area, despite the ball’s accidental contact with his elbow.

St Martin (peace be upon Him) hailed the decision as a “triumph for common sense”. Talking to our reporter at the final whistle, O’Neill (peace be upon Him) gloated “you know, I’m delighted. Too many times, diddy wee teams have come here to Paradise and we’ve not been given penalties for nothing. Today we were, and that can only be good for the game.” And when advised that Hamilton has hotly denied intentionally handling the ball, St Martin (peace be upon Him) was in no mood for compromise. “He’s not of the faith, so has no right to complain. This is divine judgement” he snorted.

BMA spokesman, Gerrard O’Flagherty, confirmed the reclassification of “hand” in all future official publications. “Following a petition from the glorious St Martin (peace be upon Him), the BMA upheld his request to have the hand reclassified in order to encompass the entire arm. So from now on, anything from the shoulder down will be considered part of the hand. I can only apologise to Celtic fans worldwide that this sensible move has taken so long.”

At the time of going to press, FIFA confirmed that a request from Celtic FC and Rangers FC to have this revised handball rule applied in their favour only is presently under consideration. The SFA has already given the move its blessing.