Sun 9th - Sunday Tabloid - John Hartson knocked to ground in supermarket assault.

An elderly lady was last night in the custody of the Glesga Powleece after several witnesses claimed to have been present when she tugged and pulled rotund Celtic superstar John Hartson to the floor of an upmarket shop on the South side of Glasgow.

Polly Esther Pantts (99) is alleged to have been browsing for fruit and vegetables when Hartson (40) stepped in front of her and began to 'cherry pick' the best apples to put into a small 'see through' bag that he had picked up a short time before from a small 'see through' bag dispenser.

One onlooker, who asked to remain anonymous, told the Sunday Tabloid (Sundays version of the Daily Tabloid, in case you hadn't worked that out yet) that

apples, yesterday

"She was climbing all over him, tugging at his shirt and pulling him away from the ball, I mean the apples. It was no surprise that although she was only about 5 foot tall and very thin, that poor Hartson was floored by her vicious assault. She was clearly furious that he had the audacity to stroll in front of her as she was heading towards the boxes of Golden Delicious apples.

Another outraged shopper told us that the old lady had been "using her elbows all afternoon and that she only had herself to blame for getting lifted."
"She had it coming" the shopper continued. "The security staff were well within their rights to call the powleece because if old ladies are allowed to get away with this type of behaviour once, they'll think they can do it time and time again"

Here at the Sunday Tabloid we certainly agree that this shocking show of elderly impatience with it's brutal consequences only goes to show that Hartson and his fellow Glasgow footballing demi-gods just do not recieve enough protection from shop security staff. The fact that this lady was allowed to elbow her way round the shop to commit this sickening attack in front of the apple stand of a large multi national chain of supermarkets clearly proves that their attitude to footballers safety needs to be looked at.

Speaking through her solicitor with her teeth still obviously in a glass, Mrs Pantts (100) claimed "I wash jusht minding my own bushinesh. I wash going to make an apple shtrudel for my Arthur. I'm 98 you know".

Hollow words from a clinically minded bully, we're sure you'll agree.

An old lady, yes you guessed it, yesterday