TABLOID 12 JUN - Ex-boss Gough in rumour shock

Richard Gough, yesterday?

The future Rangers manager-in-waiting, his own title, was recently spotted in the USA watching “Scotsport Old Firm” on cable TV whilst urinating on a Celtic shirt. This may seem unsurprising conduct for one belonging to the Dark Side, however Gough was standing naked in a laundrette at the time.

It would appear that the success of keeping Livi in the SPL, combined with the vast playing experience he constantly droned-on about, has lead to Gough adopting a personality which now exceeds the limits of normal human understanding. Indeed, Gough has recently appointed himself as Great Sage of all Heaven and Onions and is known to cross roads oblivious of oncoming traffic as well as not holding doors open for old ladies.

Rumours in the USA abound that Gough is, in fact, a survivor of the infamous ‘Roswell incident’, a small town in New Mexico where it’s alleged a flying saucer crashed in 1948 killing the alien crew inside. An urban myth quickly spread that unusual footprints were found leading away from the crash site, and it has long been suspected that Gough was the source of those prints. If proven to be true, this is likely to cause shockwaves around Ibrox where many knuckle-draggers still worship their former captain.

We spoke to Billy Boyne, manager of the “Sons of William” pub in Copeland Road, and asked him what he thought of the idea that the man whose image adorns the walls of his establishment could be an extra-terrestrial from beyond our Solar System. “Ah’m urnae bothered mate, jist as long as he’s no a Fenian. Haud oan a minute, he’s no green is he?” stated the suddenly-alarmed landlord.

So is Gough an alien or is he merely an arrogant, big-headed wannabe? Perhaps we’ll just have to wait and see if he phones home.