TABLOID 13 JUN - Lambert's latest signing revealed

Papa Lazarou, this afternoon

But being first with the news as always, the Tabloid cane EXCLUSIVELY reveal the new signing is a striker by the name of Papa Lazarou. Details of Lazarou’s background are somewhat sketchy, however Lambert learned of his prowess for stealing goals during his time in Dortmund.

We have been unable to source any information on Lazarou’s playing career to date, so we invited him to Tabloid Towers this afternoon for an interview. We were met by a somewhat alternatively dressed gentleman with a three-legged dog, who insisted on calling all the Tabloid staff Dave. He was also very interested in several of our female office workers, however we managed to divert his roving eye for long enough to ask a few pertinent questions.

“Wanna buy some pegs Dave?” Lazarou growled in response to a question about his nationality. “I got some pegs belonging to you Dave” he continued when we enquired of his last club.

We pressed him further for some basic goal scoring statistics, but this seemed to rile him further as he blurted out “This is just a saga now! I’m going to toilet Dave, but I’ll be back in a moment…” and at that he disappeared out the door and we never saw him again. Perhaps it was the language barrier he found uncomfortable, as every so often he rambled in some unknown language to himself, so it looks as though the Livi faithful will just have to wait and see how he performs on the park.

The Tabloid would also like to make an appeal for information regarding three female staff members who disappeared shortly after Lazarou left. They are tea lady Betty McGinty (56), Doris Horace (45) and Morag Munro (36) – both reporters.