TABLOID 16 JUL - from cutting edge to fruit and veg...

Last updated : 16 July 2005 By Sybil Fawlty

Supergrass Yorkston, yesterday
Retail giant Tesco has today announced an unusual sponsorship deal with Fife club Dunfermline Athletic.

Following the SPL’s decision to have the club’s cheap artificial pitch ripped-up and replaced with proper turf, serial back-stabber and snake John Yorkston was left frantically searching for ways to raise money and save his complete financial ineptitude from being exposed to the general public. But in a first deal of its kind, Yorkston has now sold the entire cheap plastic surface to Tesco, following its removal from East End Park.

A delighted Tesco chairman, Basil Fawlty, spoke to the Tabloid about the deal. “Mr Yorkston seems a genuine, kind and honest man: a real pillar of Scotch society whom all you Jocks should be duly proud. I had no problem accepting his kind offer. Our plan is to completely revamp the fruit & veg displays in all our stores using Dunfermline’s synthetic grass to enhance our displays.” And when asked how much the whole deal was worth, Fawlty winked “Twenty quid with no VAT. Not going through the books apparently - what a bargain!”

We spoke to Yorkston and asked him about the new surface to replace the cheap shitty plastic stuff he bought 2 years ago from a bloke behind King Kong at Ingleston Sunday Market. “With all due ressspect”, he hissed at our reporter, “I don’t talk to folk from Livingsssston any more. I just talk about them. Got any newssss I can grassss-up to the SSSSSFA?” He then slithered away across the trackside to consume a whole rat found in Jim Leishman’s moustache.

So it looks as though there will finally be more grass on the pitch at East End Park than there is in the Boardroom.