TABLOID 8 JUN - Pars get set for their THIRD artificial pitch.

Leishman (centre) at a recent Pars board meeting, yesterday

Two seasons ago saw the Pars rip-up the turf from East End Park, and replace it with a patchwork of artificial grass gathered from local fish and butcher shops across Fife. This was then removed the next season, following complaints that players were left smelling of haddock and chops, and replaced by green corduroy carpet in a partnership deal with General Geordie’s Carpet Emporium, Cowdenbeath.

However, plans leaked from Dunfermline’s inner sanctum suggest season 2005/06 shall see an artificial pitch made completely from Jim Leishman’s excess ear and nose hair.

In an extract from the secret fax, chairman John Yorkston suggests “in order to save a few bob, Jim has volunteered to have his nose and ears shaved, and the clippings dyed green and woven into old Subbuteo pitches. He’s also made his eyebrows available should the goalmouths need strengthening. Naturally we’ll tell the SPL it’s the latest technology from America so I expect 100% secrecy or anyone breeching this silence will be responsible for designing next season’s home kit.”

Not surprisingly, Dunfermline denied all knowledge of this fax when we phoned them last night, however we have it in our possession and will be forwarding it to the SPL regardless, just to get on that turncoat Leishman’s nerves. Dundee FC won’t be receiving a copy however, as they’re in Division 1 now.