TABLOID - Almondvale sculpture revealed at last

Last updated : 21 January 2006 By Howard Carter

Dr Hawass with Gabor Vincze, yesterday
A team of international scientists and art critics has finally managed to solve the mystery of the bizarre sculpture outside the Lion’s Den.

For many years now, fans have passed by the sculpture in bewilderment, wondering just what it is they’re looking at. Suggestions have ranged from Moses accepting the ten commandments, to a mono-limbed centaur with underarm frostbite.

But now the years of agonizing wonder look set to end.

The team, lead by Dr Zahi Hawass, Egyptian Secretary General of the Supreme Council of Antiquities, has spent the last 4 years measuring the sculpture in amazing detail, and using the latest state-of-the-art computer technology has succeeded in producing a 3D virtual model of the sculpture. And from this remarkable study, Dr Hawass has finally been able to solve the mystery.

Another wierd sculpture thing, last night
Addressing an invited audience at the Mews Theatre, Dr Hawass announced with a huge satisfied grin “at last I can end your misery.”

“Through meticulous study and minute calculation, I can today announce that the sculpture is that of a man dropping a huge log and reaching for the toilet roll. It is a work of genius!”
But when asked how his team reached this startling conclusion, Hawass stormed “I’ve been up the pyramids and seen mummies and that, so I know stuff!”

Livingston FC is now set to cash-in on the revelation by producing a club-branded toilet roll for sale in Asda. “It has nothing to do with the team being shite” said manager Paul Lambert’s interpreter last night.