Irish heavy metal legend, Daniel O’Donnell, was last night arrested by police in Belmullet, Co Mayo, on charges of illegal vivisection.
The cardiganed grannies’ favourite was seen being lead away from his remote farm by Garda in riot gear, as the whole complex was besieged by forensic officers in those white paper suit things with the masks and stuff. You know: the ones you see on telly. Tight-lipped officials have given very little away, however as ever you champion Tabloid managed an EXCLUSIVE scoop at the real inside story.
O’Donnell is known to be a close associate of Livi chief Pearse Brosnan; with the duo often seen having furtive cups of tea with old ladies in quiet residential areas and retirement homes. However our source within the Garda revealed that O’Donnell was using this as a front, as his tea-drinking motives were far more sinister.
Although details remain sketchy, it would seem that O’Donnell was inviting elderly ladies back to his house and using them for human experiments. One lucky escapee who wished to remain anonymous told us “O’Donnell is a monster! He laid out several different cardigans and asked me which one I liked best so he could wear it that day. This ordeal must have lasted a whole ten minutes, and by the time I’d chosen my tea was cold. I just can’t believe he could lead such a double life!”
Another terrified pensioner also contacted the Tabloid to reveal her own hell at the hands of O’Donnell. Bessie McGuire (85) told how O’Donnell took her to his home as a treat for her 80th birthday, where she was waited on hand and foot by his household servants, before being sent home in a chauffer-driven limousine with a bag crammed full of CDs. “It was a total kidnap hell” we added for dramatic licence.
When we confronted Brosnan about his friend’s dark dealings, he was stunned. “Yer havin’ a feckin’ laugh aren’t ya? Me mum loves Daniel, so. She’s got all his records and sure didn’t he come over the other week and sing ‘the Old Rugged Cross’ just for her and her Monday Club.”
So readers, maybe think twice this Christmas before giving your Granny a copy of O’Donnell’s latest CD, for you never know just where it will lead.
