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TABLOID - Brosnan's sweeping changes to Stadium catering shame

Last updated : 31 December 2005 By Gordon Ramsay

Malone in streets broad & narrow, yesterday
Given the hefty fans’ criticism levelled at Livingston FC’s outsourced catering provider, Culinary Extortions Ltd (CEL), chairman Pearse Brosnan has once more turned to his native Ireland for a solution to the problem.


Supporters have complained of poor service, poor quality products, child labour and questionable mathematic skills of the pubescent employees ever since CEL were awarded the contract. So finally Brosnan has listened to the fans and changes are afoot.


Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the fans’ champion Tabloid, naturally, Brosnan said “I’ve heard about all the shoite being served by CEL and folk being short-changed £50 by the oily kid behind the counter, so I say feck dat! Time for me to put me money where me mouth is and do something about it.”


So on YOUR behalf we asked him what he had in store for the stadium’s catering. “I’ve got all these companies as you know, and fingers in many a pie. One of them’s in Dublin - a catering business - so I’ve offered them the contract instead.”


Gutted McGlintchy, last night
“It’s run by me old pal Molly Malone from a barrow in O’Connell Street. She specialises in shellfish, so that should raise the whole cultural status of the match day atmosphere. She can set-up the barrow outside the Lions Den and catch hungry drinkers as they leave.”


We spoke to Molly Malone in Dublin and asked her about her speciality cuisine. “Cockles and mussels, alive alive-o” she told us.


Not so happy however was Wee Sandy McGlintchy, proprietor of Culinary Extortions Ltd when we broke the news of Malone’s new contract. “Ah’m tellin’ mah ma!” he cried before hanging-up on our reporter.