TABLOID - Inverness personal stewards a success

Last updated : 15 January 2006 By Richard Head

Penis (Jobsworth-Bellend), watching for illicit photography, yesterday
Inverness Caledonian Thistle Management Training School FC this afternoon reflected with satisfaction on its innovative stewarding policy which was given its trial run yesterday in their game against Livingston FC.

Each travelling fan was initially confused at being assigned a personal steward on passing through the turnstiles; however they soon got used to their new chums. Local stewarding firm, Jobsworth-Bellend Securities Ltd, are the pioneers of this revolutionary policing method for small visiting crowds. So impressed was your champion Tabloid that we decided to find out more from Jobsworth-Bellend’s chief director, James Penis.

“Small crowds tend to be more enthusiastic, so it’s our policy to ensure enjoyment is kept to a minimum”
Penis told our reporter. “For all we know someone could be taking photographs, and that sort of serious criminal is simply not welcome anywhere a Jobsworth-Bellend is protecting.” And indeed, were it not for Penis’ own eagle eyed vision yesterday, two Livingston fans could easily have slipped out the stadium with pictures in their cameras. “That sort of flagrant disregard of the small print on tickets makes my blood boil” raged Penis, “so it’s just as well I watched the pair of them for the whole game. It’s more than my job’s worth not to” he concluded.

We contacted ICTMTSFC’s chairman Willie Mutton to gauge his reaction and see if the experiment had been a success. “Here mun, it was fackeen’ fauntaustic, righteenaff!” he enthused. “Mind you, when Rangers or Celtic caam aap we’ll jast let them do whatever they want. We only pick on the wee claabs.”

So today the Tabloid salutes James Penis as a true Jobsworth-Bellend!