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TABLOID - 'Kenny' due for a date with destiny AND Matthew Hopkins!

Last updated : 28 October 2005 By Darren Stevens

"Kenny" seals his fate, last night
Occasional board user and puritanical maniac, Matthew Hopkins, was this evening beginning his quest to unmask the redheaded Livingston “fan” who shamed himself and the Club on last night’s woefully amateurish Scotsport SPL production.


The wholly negative comments expressed by the alleged fan, believed to be called ‘Kenny’, has lead to outrage amongst the Lions faithful, with many believing him to be either an STV plant or a fan of a rival team causing mischief. Such fury has been generated to prompt the self-styled Witchfinder General to mount his steed and begin his quest to unmask the impostor.


We spoke to Hopkins at his Headquarters in an eerie jail cell at Colchester Castle, where he had just walked the local vicar for 3 days until extracting his confession to speaking with a black cat named ‘Snozflannel’.


“Speake ye unto me with haste goode sir, for I be a busy man and have God’s worke to do” he said, eyeing our reporter suspiciously from beneath the brim of his black buckled hat. “I have heard ye tales of a ginger devil speaking ye untruths in Livingston, and as ye servante of our Lorde this cannot be allowed!” At this, Hopkins became more animated, banging his fist upon the table and supping deeply from his pewter tankard.


Hopkins prepares to find "Kenny", yesterday
We asked how he intended to conduct his investigation to locate ‘Kenny’. “I have my owne ways goode sir, and ye would be wise to ask me of this no more. All I will say is that my stout manservant, John Sterne, be my assistant in all manners of encouraging ye guilty to speake ye truth. Have no fear young master, we’ll find him and see he be punished for his evil wordes.”


Hopkins was then joined by a squat, bearded man with yellow teeth who carried a sack which he laid on the table. “Go you now friend, for Sterne and I have business to discuss.” And with that, our reporter was lead from the cell, but was ushered out with Hopkins’ chilling final comment ringing in his ears: “Be sure I shall pay ye a visite soon…”


So who is this ‘Kenny’? Does anyone recognise him? Is he really a Livi fan or a mere impostor? Let us hope for all our sakes we find him before Hopkins does.