TABLOID - Livi's new sweeper revealed at last!

Last updated : 22 March 2006 By Mary Poppins

Van Dyke (centre) in training, yesterday
Livi boss Paul Lambert last night revealed his latest midfield signing following minutes of speculation.


Addressing a packed conference inside Almondvale Stadium, Lambert said “mmmm mm mmmm m mmmm mmmm mmmmm m m m mmmm mmm” before introducing his new sweeper, Dick Van Dyke. The septuagenarian American then sprang from a cupboard singing “chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim charee” in a highly unconvincing cockney accent before taking his place next to his new coach.


This was something of a surprise signing, given that Van Dyke has rarely been seen in public following a highly successful career in the late 1960s, Diagnosis Murder aside. However, he was infectiously happy when questioned about his new role. “Gor bloimey guvnor” he grinned, sticking with the terrible accent, “Oi’ve been up the chimneys Oi ‘ave, so I ain’t no stranger to sweeping! Oi reckon Oi can do me turn, cos a sweep is as lucky as lucky can be…” and at this he proceeded to dance out the room accompanied by several cartoon penguins in blazers and straw boaters.


Diehard Livi fan Emm, better known to the Almondvale faithful as M. was quick to issue her reservations. “I’m no Dick Van Dyke!” she yelled, before posting more pictures of nudey ladies on Neo’s thread.