In the wake of manager Tom Hendrie's, coach Gareth Evans' and chairman Bob Henderson’s departure from Division 2 basement boys, Alloa Athletic, the sleepy Clackmannanshire town is rocked by more drama as the ENTIRE SQUAD is sacked by new chairman Matthew Hopkins.
Alloa's war-torn Recreation Park, yesterday
The TABLOID understands there has been great unrest in the Alloa boardroom recently, but on the eve of the club’s trip to Almondvale for their Tennants Scottish Cup 3rd round replay, the timing of these sackings could hardly have been worse. Mystery now surrounds exactly what team Alloa will field as a result.
We spoke to our Wasps insider, David Badura of Winchburgh, West Lothian - who asked to remain anonymous for fear of death threats - just what’s been going on. “It’s been war!” he told our reporter whilst holding a hankie over the phone to muffle his voice. “There have been hangings, drive-by shootings, burnings and people playing Buckaroo. Bodies have been buried under buildings and everything, but the local media is too scared to mention it.”
“Women are on the street wailing over the lifeless bodies of their murdered husbands, and schools of hammerhead sharks roam the streets at will. It’s mad!” he added before the line went dead following a muffled scream.
Our anonymous source, Badura (left), with local callgirl, last night
Hopkins was unavailable for comment last night as his secretary told us he was in Essex performing ‘God’s Work’, however she did tell us that Alloa will likely field a team of 11 pedigree Devon Rex cats on Wednesday night. “The SFA rules to not preclude cats from signing for SFL clubs, particularly bald ones, so we expect formalities to be completed in time for kick-off. We’ve checked into each cat’s background thoroughly and none are cup-tied, so the game WILL go ahead” she added.