TABLOID - No more clowing about as Lambert gets serious

Last updated : 02 January 2006 By Mr Hugetrousers

Pinxten after the press conference, yesterday
Following his side’s last-gasp defeat by Motherwell on Saturday, Livi gaffer Paul Lambert has taken steps to bolster his defence. However given the tight constraints of Pearse Brosnan’s third biggest budget in the SPL, Lambert has had to work his magic with only £50.67 to spend.

Speaking through his interpreter, Lambert told the fans’ champion Tabloid just how he’s managed it. “Half a ton’s not a lot of money so I’ve had to be quite clever. I went to the Early Learning Centre and got face paints, then to the Oxfam for some old 70s clothes.”

When questioned just how this is likely to improve the performance of his leaky defence, Lambert’s interpreter said “I can’t buy new players so I’ve had to improve the ones I already have. Everyone knows clowns are scary, but opposing attackers don’t seem to be particularly scared of the clowns I have at the back, so the face paints and dodgy clothes should do the trick.”

Strong, Dorado, Mackay & Pinxten try on their new strips, last night
And Lambert has a point as Harald Pinxten suddenly burst from a cupboard at our reporter whilst dressed in full clown gear, causing out terrified scribe to shit his trousers. “See? You weren’t expecting that and crapped yourself eh?” said Lambert’s interpreter. “Just imagine you’re John Hartson or Rudi Skacel and that jumps out at you? White shorts too!” she continued with an interpreted laugh.

We contacted Brosnan for his thoughts and he seemed happy enough with Lambert’s new tactic. “Paul’s his own man, I just give him the feckin’ money” he said. “I’m giving him another £200 next week for extra big boots and custard pies” he added with a satisfied gap-toothed grin.