Sensational news had reached 
New manager John Robertson ordered a ‘shake-down’ of the club’s structure from top to bottom in an effort to diagnose the problem, and it was following this that two previously unknown members of staff were discovered. It seems Dominic Keane’s legacy has not completely deserted Almondvale as the two mystery employees are none other than tuneless Transylvanian twins, the Cheeky Girls.
Players had complained of low energy levels, following the discovery of recurring puncture marks on their necks. Some even complained of problems seeing themselves in the mirror, crossing running water or cooking garlic. Reports that keeper Ludovic Roy was unable to hold crosses were not connected with this incident.
Partially-burnt papers discovered in a fireplace revealed Keane had hired the skeletal duo as fitness coaches; however neither had been seen at any daylight training sessions, preferring instead to work at night.
Robertson immediately ordered a search of Almondvale to find the Cheeky Girls, and they were eventually located in coffins hidden in old kit baskets in Danny Cunning’s store room, with traces of dried blood still covering their protruding fangs. Livi chairman Pearse Flynn took personal charge of their sacking by driving a wooden stake through each one’s heart, with Robertson finishing them off by decapitation with a silver sword blessed by a priest.
It was noted that as each twin was impaled, an unearthly monotone scream of “cheeky cheeky” escaped from their frothing bloody mouths, before their remains turned to dust and blew away, leaving only shiny hotpants behind.
LionHeart this afternoon issued the following statement:
Livingston FC regret to advise that following recent cases of vampirism within the portals of Almondvale Stadium, two members of staff ( the Cheeky Girls) were put to death in the time-honoured tradition of Hammer House of Horror movies. It is hoped that an upturn in the first team’s fortunes will follow, and we shall revise our employment policy to ensure no more undead prospective members of staff find work within this club.”
