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Thu 10th - Daily Tabloid - Marvin digs for Jesus

Last updated : 10 February 2005 By Rev I Fistsatan

Andrews jumps for God, yesterday
Ex-Livi stopper Marvin Andrews is embarking on an ambitious 6 month mission to dig a tunnel from his back garden in Fife, right to Australia, in an effort to find God again.


Since leaving Almondvale last season, the giant Trinidadian has been plying his trade with The Sons of William Queen’s XI FC in Glasgow. However, deeply religious Andrews has been finding it increasingly hard to maintain his strong Christian faith whilst in the pay of the Forces of Darkness. So difficult in fact that he’s decided on his drastic course of action in an effort to find the Light again.


Speaking only to the fans’ champion Daily Tabloid, Andrews boomed “man, I is findin’ tings very hard. Me can’t praise de Lord whilst all around me is sinners, back-sliders an’ Catolics, aiee!”


And Marvin has a point, given what he told us about the immediate aftermath of his signing for the light blues. “Man, me tought me was getting’ a medical, but all me was asked is ‘what school did you go to?’, ‘what foot do you kick wit?’, ‘can you sing De Sash?’ and ‘does y’have a granny wit a surname beginnin’ O or Fitz sometin?’ Why dey ask me dat an’ not give me a medical, man? Dey not even check me balls or nuttin’.”


The public image of Andrews is now as one of them: gone are the days of universal respect for his beliefs as he is now seen, in some eyes, as a turncoat who sold his soul for a King’s Shilling. But he hopes his tunnelling penance will restore not only his faith but also his public image.


“Man, it gonna be hard work!” he boomed again in his mighty Caribbean voice, “an’ me not lookin’ forward to d’bit in d’middle as me tink it’s hot! But I got God wit me all d’way man, so me gonna do it!” And at that, the famous Andrews smile returned to his swollen face. "Come along, come along, sing along wit me, when I say 'rice' you say 'and pea!"


The Tabloid understands Stuart Lovell has already been in contact with Andrews regarding using the tunnel to visit his family in Melbourne once finished.