Thu 13th - Daily Tabloid - Water good way to make money!

Last updated : 13 January 2005 By Honey Lovejuice

The new 'Lionwater', yesterday
Following the recent match postponements at Almondvale due to the appalling weather, Livi chief Pearse Brosnan has hit upon an idea to recoup the revenue lost through the cancellations.

Ground staff have been working around the clock to drain the estimated 7 feet deep water from the playing surface, but there have been no plans to simply pump it into the Almond. Instead, astute businessman Brosnan has installed a bottling plant under the West Stand where he is busily converting the floodwater into Livi-branded mineral water.

“I see an opportunity where others see disaster”
said Brosnan last night. “Sure we lost a bit of cash with the Hearts and Morton games being called off, but why waste what Mother Nature has given us eh?” he continued whilst loading his Waltham PPK.

Indeed, production of the new Lionwater has now topped the 1 million bottle mark, with all profits going directly into Club funds. Bottles have been selling well at the Club’s own Almondvale Suite, and now Brosnan is hoping ASDA will be placing its own order in the near future. “The stuff looks like p*ss and probably tastes like it too, but we’re making 90p a bottle so you won’t see me complaining. I only drink Martini anyway, shaken, not stirred” added Brosnan.

So it looks as though teetotallers complaining at the Club selling Cola for £1 a can now have an alternative way to whet their whistles after all.