Thu 6th - Daily Tabloid - Some-fin fishy up Inverness way

Last updated : 06 January 2005 By Delphine Jaws

A happy worker, yesterday
Livi’s old rivals, Inverness Caledonian Thistle, have enlisted the help of some unusual partners in order to have Caledonian Stadium SPL-compliant by the end of this month. For in their drive to meet the Pars on the 29th, ICT have recruited the entire local dolphin population to achieve their goal.

Locals have noticed the stadium lights on all through the night in recent weeks, but mystery shrouded the lack of any noticeable machinery noise. However, Caley chairman Grant MacGrant has finally come clean and explained just what’s been going on.

“Cost has always been an issue” he told the Daily Tabloid yesterday, “so in order to keep ours down, we decided to ditch the usual building contractors and hire the dolphins instead. Paying builders nightshift allowances would have crippled us, but the dolphins are happy just to get an extra fish every hour.”

Indeed, our north of Scotland correspondent was given a tour of the works, and was greatly impressed with what he saw there. The dolphins have organised themselves into teams of 5, and were seen flicking nuts, bolts, girders etc up to colleagues on scaffolding with their tails. Not only was this fun for the dolphins, it also saves on the cost of hiring heavy plant and other machinery. Their work rate is phenomenal, and ICT predict the work will be completed well within the timescale.

“I can’t praise them highly enough” grinned MacGrant. “The fish and water all come free from the Moray Firth, and the dolphins can nip home any time they like as the sea’s just next door. So we’re quids-in!”

However not everyone is so happy at this man-dolphin collaboration. Livi hitman, Jim ‘Flipper’ Hamilton, was seething when he learned of the news. “Ee ee ee ee ee click click clicky click ee ee click ee!” he raged whilst waving his flippers wildly and swallowing a mackerel.

We’re with you there Jim!