Tue 19 - TABLOID - O'Neill (pbuH) in new Pope shock
Last updated : 19 April 2005 By Joseph Ratzinger
 | How St Martin (pbuH) wishes it was, not this afternoon |
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Celtic manager, the Divine St Martin O’Neill (peace be upon Him) this evening cut a forlorn figure as he packed his bags ready to return to Glasgow from Rome.
St Martin (peace be upon Him) had been campaigning heavily for the pontificate following the death of Pope John Paul II earlier this month. However, his hopes were cruelly dashed this afternoon when it was announced that Pope Benedict XVI would succeed the popular Pole.
We managed to grab a brief word with the despondent O’Neill (peace be upon Him) as he headed to the EasyJet terminal at Rome airport. When asked how he felt about the decision, he was clearly an unhappy man. “I, I, I can’t believe they never elected me, I really can’t”. Wiping distressed snotters from his nose, he continued “I’ve been campaigning so hard to become 'Pope Henrik I' ever since I knew the Pole was on his way out, that job should be mine by right! I even had my own papal vestments made-up: all white with a wee touch of green around the hem. There was even a skull-cap with ‘MON’ embroidered in gold thread. It’s a fix and no mistake!”
“I also can’t believe they elected a German. Mind you, that’s what happens when the job’s decided by a secret ballot instead of just voting for me in public” he continued to rant.
However, there will be some shred of comfort for St Martin (peace be upon Him) on his return to Parkhead, as the Tabloid understands moronic Celtic fans plan to welcome him back by burning special chemicals in order to produce green smoke from the chimneys in their slums. Apparently, this was St Martin’s (peace be upon Him) plan on being elected Pope in the first place, breaking from the Vatican tradition of white smoke signalling a new Pontificate.
