Tue 1st - Daily Tabloid - Lovell becomes a Queen

Lovell (right) and a new team-mate, yesterday

Unbeknown to his team-mates, Lovell has been harbouring a secret ever since signing for Livi four years ago. For when he’s not training or playing, Lovell prefers to be known by the name Sandra and parades around his house in a dress and makeup. And it’s because of this that his hasty transfer to Queens of the South was arranged.

Determined to get to the bottom of things, the Tabloid tracked Lovell down to an exclusive transvestite bar in Dumfries where he confessed all. “Yes, it’s true” Lovell told our reporter yesterday, “I love wearing women’s clothes. I can’t help it, so please, call me Sandra.” Wearing an attractive denim skirt and white chiffon blouse, ‘Sandra’ continued “at Livi the pressure on me was incredible to keep my secret safe. But when Vivien Kyles arrived I knew I was doomed, as she wears shoes to die for!"

"One day I couldn’t resist it any longer, so when she left her office I nipped in and slipped her shoes on after training. I felt so sexy. Pity she arrived back early and caught me” he added, wiping a tear to prevent mascara run. Lovell was disciplined by the Club, but the public reason given was his alleged press comments on LionHeart’s handling of the club.

However, Lovell’s now relishing the opportunity to start with a clean slate with his new Queens team-mates. “They’ve all made me feel so welcome” he beamed. “Lucy is great at doing nails, and Catherine does the straightest lippy line I’ve ever seen! But best of all is Anthea who has the perfect concealer for stubble: you’d never even know he had any.”

Lovell is expected to make his Queens debut on Saturday against Dundee Utd in the Scottish Cup. They’ll be wearing their traditional strip of flowing blue blousons, crystal white calottes and matching blue stockings.