Wed 16th - Daily Tabloid - It's official! Celtic fans reek!

Last updated : 16 February 2005 By Mervin Andrews

Warning! Celtic fans look away now!
Glasgow Health officials today made the unprecedented move of issuing a city wide 'B.O' warning when toxic-monitoring stations discovered that a massive cloud of stinking armpit odour was spreading across Strathclyde.

“The problem first surfaced early in 1968 and has gotten gradually worse with the passing years,” revealed local health officer, Dr. Todd (55).

“We believe that the stench is eminating from the followers of Celtic who are unable to grasp the mechanics of soap. It's a problem that has been prevelant throughout Glasgow for centuries but has increased it's vomit inducing powers as each football season passes. We are hoping for some heavy rain as at least that would dampen down the stench for a while" the filth meister continued. "We may have to dock the beggars league points if they don't clean up their act" he sniggered through gapped teeth as he pinned a Union badge to his lapel.

Several members of the public have recently been hospitalised following brief encounters with the odour cloud and the minging fans that continue to spread it around. In Glasgow city centre, one woman innocently browsing in Tower Records was rushed to the cities Royal Infirmary after collapsing to the ground, overwhelmed by fumes when a particulalry manky Hoops fan brushed past her as he attempted to shop lift items from the store. Onlookers reported seeing a fat, bald-headed, unshaven man wearing a filthy Celtic shirt legging it from the building with a 'Bobo's gonna get you' video under his arm.

The 'armpit odour cloud' is rumoured to be centred over the Parkhead district of Glasgow, where hordes of minging tinks insist on lurking outside Celtic Park, all day every day. When approached, one young smelly ned like chav told us “Ma da dusnae wash and a've decidit tae no wash annaw, know ?”

"He is still celebrating beating Milan 1-0 and am daeing it until Henrik comes back, know" he continued, as the flies buzzed round his weans buggy.

Celtic club officials have begged their followers to have a shower at least once a week, but ringleader Mick O’Flaherty insisted that their minging vigil must continue. “The last time I went home for a wash wi soap an that, Cellic made John Barnes the manager. That was a pure disaster for the club, know? At the time a didnae think much ow it but a soon pit too and too the gither and realised it wiz the soap wot done it. A'll no make that mistake again!"

A spokesman for the green team commented that Celtic refused to share any blame for the toxic stench cloud. “Look!” he fumed, “There’s a label with washing instructions on each shirt. What else can we do? Maybe they can't read, right enough”

Safety instructions have been issued to deal with any members of the public who are worried that the stench may be soon heading their way. "Simply avoid the East end of Glasgow, but if you really have to go there, then for the love of god, please take some liquid hand wash or at the very least a bar of that Tar soap that your grannie used to use.



In today’s Tabloid….

WASHING….those complicated machine instructions explained! …. pg 23

SOAP....How does it work? A guide for weegies....pg25-26

There aren't really any more pages, ahem. ;)