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Wed 23rd - Daily Tabloid - Advocaat in coconut bid

Last updated : 23 March 2005 By Arthur Wellsley

Advocaat, last night
Former Rangers manager Dick Advocaat last night launched a bold bid to have West Lothian Council grant permission for his proposed Coconut Farm on the southern slopes of Dechmont Law.


Ever since coming to Scotland, the squat Dutchman has been making secret plans to enter into the world of coconut farming as he has always regarded football as “too unreliable.” Indeed, Advocaat lost a fortune when his Hamster Circus failed to generate enough interest to fund his lavish lifestyle, so he’s throwing everything into the new Coconut Farm in the hope of regaining his empire.


The Tabloid managed to track-down former owner Kid Creole and ask why he decided to sell-up. “Hey Annie, I’m not your daddy” he said. We attempted to speak to Advocaat himself, but were refused permission by his curt Personal Assistant, Marshal Ney.


Fortunately, Cllr Willie Dunn was happy to talk to us, although he was unable to reveal too much about Advocaat’s planning application due to the Official Secrets Act. “Did I ever tell you about the time me and Graeme Morrice…erm, well maybe not…” he said. “What about the Hibees though, eh? I’m on River FM this week talking about Hibs, so maybe you can give me a free plug in the Tabloid?”

Some coconuts, yesterday

It’s not known just how successful a Coconut Farm is likely to be in West Lothian, given the cool climate. However, given Advocaat’s determination to re-conquer Europe, he may be just the man to MAKE it work. Only time will tell.