Wed 27th - TABLOID - No Turkish Delight for veterans

Last updated : 27 April 2005 By Otto Mann

Nouma (right) prepares to visit the photographer, last year
Following the recent signing of unhinged Frenchman Pascal Nouma, Livingston has suddenly found itself awash with Turks, causing a great deal of anxiety amongst the town’s elderly community.


Nouma previously played for Turkish side Bessie’s Biscuits where he developed something of a cult following with the team’s equally unhinged supporters. This came about following his sacking from Bessie’s Biscuits when he allegedly masturbated into a photographer’s backpack after scoring a goal against deadly local rivals Gallus Tambourines. And this lunatic enthusiasm has followed Nouma across Europe to West Lothian


However, the rapidly increased number of fezzes, flares and kebab wrappers suddenly appearing all across the town has prompted former servicemen to form a modern day Home Guard, as fears of an expansion of the Ottoman Empire increase. Indeed, gun emplacements and defensive ditches have appeared on various points of high ground, with Dechmont Law providing an entire missile battery.


A
Turk in Livi, last night
We spoke to WW2 veteran Sgt Jock McShout (VC, BEM retd) who has become the unofficial spokesman for the anti-Turkish defenders. “I remember Gallipoli” he croaked last night, “and I remember what those swines did to us and the Aussies. So there’s no way I’ll sit by and see that red & white flag raised around here!” At this point he emitted a gargling noise before dieing immediately.


Meanwhile, others in the town have been more welcoming of the Turkish influx. Tam Spamheid of Dedridge contacted the Tabloid advising that he was actively reforming the XIII Hussars, famous for the 1854 ‘Charge of the Light Brigade’ incident in the Crimea, in case of a Russian invasion. “The Turks were our allies then” he said, “so why shouldn’t they be again?”