Wed 2nd - Daily Tabloid - Is the Second Coming coming?

Last updated : 02 February 2005 By Farquhar Nostradamus

A meteor shower, not yesterday
An astrology expert yesterday sensationally claimed last night’s dramatic meteor shower over West Lothian heralds the second coming of the Messiah.


Arthur Bigtrousers of Kirknewton has been a keen amateur astrologer for over 50 years, and not a single night goes by that his array of telescopes aren’t pointing skyward. However the meteor shower, missed by most people because of thick cloud cover, took even a seasoned veteran like Mr Bigtrousers by surprise.


“I was just looking at Alpha17 in the constellation of Toad the Liar when this blinding streak of light whizzed past my lens”
he told our reporter. “I changed telescopes to get a wider field of view and there it was – a spectacular meteor shower. I called on my mother to come and look, but she’s dead. But the voices said ‘Jesus Christ!’ so I knew from that moment that the second coming is nigh.”


We contacted Father Dominic Flynn of St Andrews Church in Craigshill and told him of Mr Bigtrousers’ fantastic claim. “Oh feck, not him again” was his unusual reply however. When pressed for an explanation, Father Flynn continued “so far Mr Bigtrousers has claimed to have seen the Blessed Mother in a pack of Murray Mints, met John the Baptist in a public toilet, and has spoken to God on a 0891 psychic helpline. Nothing he says surprises me any more.”


And indeed Father Flynn may have a point as monocled TV stellar guru, Patrick Moore, knew nothing of the alleged meteor shower. “I know tons about stars and stuff” he told us in an exclusive phone interview, “but this clown’s playing it absolutely f**king gash! There was NO meteor shower anywhere last night, now sod off and let me get back to my whore.”


So is the Messiah coming back? The Daily Tabloid will leave that to you to decide. But with the closing of January’s transfer window, David Fernandez remains at Celtic Park, warming the reserve’s bench.